It’s Just Justin

Good News

Currently Playing
City High - City High
15 Will Get You 20

AWESOME! So fabulous news. My infectious diseases teacher’s daughter has been infected with the stomach flu. What’s better? Now my teacher is sick and my lab was not due today. I love infectious diseases killing the cells of my teachers. And their children too. weee hhehehehehe.

Oh Yeah, Damn Pants

Currently Playing
Rufus Wainwright - Rufus Wainwright
Baby

So these pants that cost me $75 at The Buckle failed me today… They have always been too short (they are 30×34’s). I wear a 30×32, but these are short, whatev.

Anywho, my bike killed them today, but I would rather blame the pants. Hopefully Jenny can fix them :)
Luv you Jenny! haha

Chicago By Train

Currently Playing
Nellie McKay - Get Away From Me
Won’t U Please B Nice

Not sure if you have/can noticed but lately all of my posts have been in the “My Life” category. This is for good reason, and one reason, alone.

This blog is about my freaking life, so get used to it or go away hehe.

So last night I made up my mind that I was not going to be able to go Chicago. I was sad, but oh well, shit happens. Then during math class today I got the guts to kinda stick up for myself and I confronted the teacher about his absence policy. He agreed that I could miss class on Friday. Now I can go with all my friends to Chicago!

My tickets were $88 instead of $35, which means it cost me $53 more to go than them… grrr. If I had just bought them ahead of time, if I was unable to go I would have only lost $35 instead of $53. Life sucks like that.

Still waiting for my parents to send me my allowance for this month and last month and for my phone bill which they say they will pay for… That is about $400 that they owe me, on top of a few other things… Would be REALLY nice to have money for Chicago, but I am not going to touch savings and such for shopping in Chicago. It will be a cheap trip if anything.

Geoffrey with be there with me, so when the girls are doing there thing, we can do ours. Whatever that might be.

Thursday night, tomorrow night, Geoff, I and Kevin are going to have a threesome… right haha. Either way we are going to have a fun time that night just hanging out, playing music, all that jazz. It will be an awesome start to a hopefully awesome Spring Break.

My brother turned 21 a few days ago. Getting alcohol just got that much easier for him. That is about all that will change in his life, oh and his tickets from the years before will be wiped away, something like that.

I saw Jim last night. Wow, it was just… I have not seen him or heard from him in a month, or more. It was really hard on me, probably a big part of my depression as of late. He is so cute, so nice, so wonderful. Maybe I broke up with him pre-maturely. But I did break up with him and that is all I can say. We will probably never be together again, at least not romantically. I would love to have him as a friend.

Geoff is so great. I can’t form the words in my head to express the feelings in my heart. He just amazes me everyday. He is growing so much, and I don’t mean in height. When you think he has closed a door on his life, he opens a window. I only wish I could be as cute, funny, attractive and intelligent as Geoff. Many might say I am way cuter, funnier and just as intelligent with a wit that rivals those of writers of Sports Night (huge compliment if anyone ever wants to make that part true haha). But not many people are naturally as attractive as Geoff. He is the full package.

Why I am typing all of that? Who knows.

What else? I want to go see the Triplets of Belleville and The Dreamers at RagTag tomorrow and the latter the week after Spring Break.

So what else? I have thirty minutes before my next class and I am just realizing that the reason I went to the computer lab was to check to see if my lab was due today haha. Damn, it is due. Well I will have to do it once I get back to my room, after class and just turn it in to her office. It is an easy lab to do anyways, we typed blood.

Margaret Cho is very funny� just FYI

Well what else can I say? I guess nothing really. I am going to post this and maybe something will pop into my mind.

Sometimes You Just Have to Face the Music

Currently Playing
Sarah Brightman - La Luna
He Doesn’t See Me

When he passes me by
He’s a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun
From the sky
And I know he’s a king
Who deserves a queen
But I’m not a queen
And he doesn’t see me

When he dances
He moves me to a smile
And I see everything
Near him shine
There’s a grace in his ways
That I can’t contain
I haven’t that grace
Oh, I haven’t that grace

And the closer he gets
I can’t help but hide
So ashamed
Of my body and voice
There are boundaries
We pass in spite of the war
But our own
We can’t seem to cross

She has a way that surrounds her
So delicate
With a glory that reigns in her life
She is also so much that she is not
These things I can’t see
‘Cause he doesn’t see me
Oh-oh-oh …
And he doesn’t see me

There are things we can change
If we just choose to fight
But the walls of injustice are high

When he passes me by
He’s a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun
From the sky
And I know he’s a king
Who deserves a queen
Someone other than me
So different from me

Oh-oh-oh …
He doesn’t see me
Oh-oh-oh …
He doesn’t see me
He doesn’t see me

I just love her!

And Then There Was Chad

Currently Playing
Coldplay- A Rush of Blood to the Head
Amsterdam

So sitting here with Chad on the ground floor lounge of Graham. He is so very cute… Where is my camera?

He at first made no room for me on the couch, we are doing homework, I was hoping no one would be here so we could actually talk, oh well. He is writing a paper, LOTS of homework to do apparently. So do I but I love procrastinating… Though I am past deadlines now and that makes me ill.

He is drinking coffee and smelling oh so nice. I bet you are thinking I am really weird for writing all of this but he has to think that I am writing for a class and I would sure hate to waste all this typing for nothing.

Crap! Just realized something. He is in Graham now… That means that I cannot just leave and I have no way to really signal Geoff to come down to get me… I really want to talk to Geoff. I need to talk to him. I am not sure what I am going to say or how I am going to say it or why I think I need to talk to him, but we just have not talked much today.

By now he is annoyed at the music I am playing in the room. It is the same song over and over again. Sarah Brightman and Josh Groban doing There for Me. It is such a great song and I hope he gets the undertones of it.

Ok, so it is Geoff, not me, maybe I should just tell him. I love how you are always there for me and you should know that I am always going to be there for you.

I love also how you do anything you can to avoid certain words when they are permanent, when they cannot be erased so easily. You might say something aloud but putting it on paper, putting it on the web, you don’t do that. I LOVE that about you, just FYI.

And since Jenny did not know what FYI stood for… FYI is the abbreviation for For Your Information, just FYI.

Why are there people here? I really just want to talk?

He asked me what I was doing, just said I was doing one of my entries :)

He has a silver thumb ring, I find those quite attractive. I actually want one myself… And now he too starts to type.

He is VERY thin. Makes me feel terribly obese, and his laptop is really dusty. You can see nearly every vein in his arm and his ass is scrumptious. I don’t understand how he can look so different at different times. One day his hair is all done up and he is super cute, the next day it is down and he is straight looking (as in cute but rough).

He can type about the same speed as I which makes me come to two conclusions. First, he is fairly good with computers. Second, he is a journalism major, or some other major where he would have had to type quite a bit before going to school.

He is a freshman taking English 20, just like me. His class seems a little more interesting than my class. How does one look so cute?

I keep going on tangents, I know, but this post is a total flow of consciousness, not even going to spell check, which I have not been doing anyway.

For my Infectious Diseases paper I have to use one of my class books to write about Leprosy. In one book it mentions leprosy as a “bacterial infection” and in another it is labeled “close cousin to tuberculosis”. I have already used the latter so my other paper is going to have a reference for two words. Whatever.

I really don’t even want to be here. I, as I think I related to earlier, have no way to get away from him. He is in my territory, I can’t just leave.

Right now I want to talk to Geoff… Again, why do I even type that when I don’t know why or what. I guess I just miss him.

Geoff I miss you! You just make me happy. (I can’t be sad for very long around him, he is amazing)

I am very glad not many people know about this online journal. If more people end up finding out about it, I hope they refer to this post.

If I ever hurt you through my writings here, let me apologize. This is just a way for me to vent. Otherwise I will just keep all my emotions inside and then get really “bad”.

I love you all, right now at least. Hehe.

This is hopefully going to end up being a somewhat long posting. I really am doing better now even though I am fucked tomorrow because I WOULD be getting back a paper I have not even turned in. I would have only been a day late for the paper but I was too scared to turn it in. IT IS A REALLY GOOD PAPER TOO!

A lot better than my first paper I know that.

Looking at my arms I realize something. I need a tan. I need a tan like Columbia needs a real Starbucks. I also need to lose some weight and gain some muscle.

Damnit, where is Geoff when you need him. You are supposed to be “[Here] for Me” like the song says. Grrrr… Haha

I think Chad is getting a little nervous, weirded out, by being here. I wish that some noisy people would come in so we could have an excuse to part. I would go to the room and see Geoff and he would go where ever.

I know he did not walk for 10 minutes in the wet and cold to type a paper, he wanted to see me, and I am already over him. I am already beyond the sexual attraction.

Wow, and that was Geoff, scaring the CRAP outta me as he snuck behind me and asked what I wanted from Hitt Street Market. I think Chad saw it as Geoff trying to save me from boredom… Well he was Chad. You are hot but I want something more.

I am really tired, maybe the something more I want is just sleep. No, I want a real relationship. No bullshit. No drama. No fake smiles. Just in your face, brutal honesty with love to match. That is what I want.

I would love sex with Chad but after that I would still just want the last paragraph. (not sleep smart ass)

So I am going to Chicago… I really am this time.

He is obviously wanting to leave here. He wanted to talk too. It is just not working out here. Geoff called to try and save me again. SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN PERSHING.

If the room was picked up I would ask him if he wanted to come into the room because I had to do a WebCT quiz or something, but I don’t see that working out because, well the room is not picked up.

Right now I want sleep and a hug. Both are on third floor. Jenny, SAVE ME!

Yeah, I really need a tan. So in a few mins I am going to propose the “I have to use my other computer” idea. I really hope he will just go to Pershing or something. He wanted me to help him stay awake and write his paper, I just don’t see that being a possibility.

He keeps looking at me… Wish we could both agree to part telepathically, how great would that be? He is a great guy to party with I am sure, but to date… Not so much.

I hate how certain keys on my keyboard become disabled randomly. The arrow keys primarily though after a while my entire keyboard will sometimes become disabled and I have to reset my handheld.

Here is what I am going to say…
Hey, I have to do some stuff on my computer, you are welcome to go to my room and work there otherwise you can hang here or Pershing, no big deal.

Hopefully he will say that he needs something from his room or that he is going to Pershing. I really just don’t want to end up with him in my room or worse, in here with me for any longer.

I need to get the guts to say it. He has been readin the same piece of paper over and over again. I know he is not actually reading. He is thinking the same thing only it is much easier for him to leave than for me to leave.

Ok, it worked, in the room, GOING TO BED!

Dangerous Loves

Currently Playing
Rufus Wainwright- Poses
Cigarettes And Chocolate Milk

Oh Rufus, you always seem to be able to say it best.

Why do I crave all the things I don’t need? Cute blonde boys, Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked…

All I want is right under my nose yet I find myself on the prowl for hot boys and fun times. Right now infact I am waiting for hot boy Chad to meet me at Pershing Commons. Why? Well because he is hot and he thinks I am cute. I guess I just want to be loved or rather, looked at and not because I have some terrible growth on my face. ;)

Sugar substitutes are fabulous. They give you all the sweet without the calories. But lab rats in California have proven to us that if you eat too much sugar substitute, you could get cancer.

So, I love getting all these guys, but they are a cancer for me. They are so much fun to hang out with and what have you. Sometimes we even do a little more than hang out. But when I cut them off it hurts them so much, and it even hurts me, which is not saying little (I have an amazing anti-emotion shield). The cancerous hotness that they are dies once they are not with me, they are broken sometimes and seem like they will never heal.

Even I have been permanently hurt by these actions in short term, long term I will get to in a few minutes. In fact, I have fallen into remission quite a few times, several with one guy. That is when it hurts the most because each “treatment” takes more out of you as you go along.

So this really hot guy walks in, I look and think, no that is not Chad. It was Geoff. Damn, what a…

Gonna chat with him now, ciao babes.

Smile, You Live With Geoff

Currently Playing
John Brajner - Senior Dean
Acacia

Geoff can always make me smile.

Damn You!

:)

Only Time?

Currently Playing
Enya - A Day Without Rain
OnlyT Time

So I am just turning into someone else right now. Let’s stop that, just sleep on things, they will work themselves out, it always happens right? So, while you can feel sorry for me with the last two posts, you can also just realize that things are shit right now but eventually they will be clean.

Life is like an unflushed toilet. Such little effort, or in the case of the new fancy ones, no effort, can flush away all the crap on your plate, errr, in your bowl.

I love it!

(Can me make Chinese proverbs without be Chinese? Me think that being Chinese.)

The Wendy City

Currently Playing
Josh Groban - Closer
You Raise Me Up

This spring break started way before march 19th. I met a boy named Darryl. I was giddy as a school girl over him. We pretty much hit it off to a great start and planned a camping trip to Big Bend National Park and then maybe a trip to Las Vegas for my spring break. Would’nt that be fun?

Well, then I went back to Houston to see him a few weeks ago and things went a little too far. I spent every night at his place, helped in move in and even went as far as to pick our sheets and hell, his shower curtain. The second to last night I was there we had a long, almost tear filled, conversation. I expressed to him that I was not ready for a relationship and that the words, “I love you” scared me. They are not words to throw around, when you truly love someone, tell them you love them, but don’t let imagination and the moment get to you.

Twenty four hours later, again spending the night at his place, he tells me he is falling in love with me. Did he not listen to me the night before? The only thing I wanted to do was get out of his apartment, go back home, don’t go back. I really like this guy but I certainly don’t love him. We had agreed that we would ‘play’ boyfriends when we were together but when we were not together, we were friends. This is bascially an open relationship as I know it.

He calls me several days later and tells me he does love me and how he loves that we are boyfriends, etc. That hit me like a brick wall. I had just gotten out of a really rough breakup from a really good relationship that was ruined with bad communication and never wanting to hurt the other person. Ironic that all our attempts to sheild each other from pain just multiplied the pain we felt when we did break it off. I am not sure I will ever really be cured from the pain that the breaking up caused, but I hope Jim will be able to. I love Jim, again I am not in love with Jim. My first boyfriend loves me more than I will ever understand, and I love him, but I can’t see myself with him forever.

I love him to what seems like no end, but something inside me won’t allow it to work. I won’t let myself fall in love with him. I cry when he is sad.

Back to spring break.

So today I called and cancelled the trip. First off I just plain can’t afford it. The total trip would cost me around $600 and I just don’t fell that it is worth that much money.

I was invited a few weeks ago to go with some girls and Geoff to Chicago (hence the title, yes, Wendy not Windy). Problems…

Chicago mean train. They are taking an earlier train than I could take so I have no ride to the train. And honestly I can’t be alone on a train for so long. My heart already is aching so much from being emotionally alone, physical loneliness would be too much.

The trip back would be over seven hours of being alone at a train station and then no ride from St. Louis to Columbia. The idea that my friends would be in Chicago, having fun, enjoying each other’s company but not mine, that would be too much. That is too much.

The only reason I want to go there is because Geoff is going to be there. I see us having so much fun together, exploring the shoppes, the restaurants, the cafe’s, the… But then, what are the chances that would happen?

The girl who is hosting the trip is all of a sudden not friendly with me. She accused me of stealing her Mizzou shot glass (quite randomly) and then upset me, telling me that a shared friend was “royally pissed” at me. Now she says I can go, but there won’t be room in her car for me.

I am not wanted, so I don’t think I will go.

I don’t know how I will live a week alone in Columbia. I need to cry but my screams fall on deaf ears and my eyes are too dry for psychogesis. I want things to get better quickly. All of this crap is bringing me down mentally, emotionally and academically. I have gotten to the point that I just don’t even care. What happens, happens. I want to escape however it happens, I want it to happen.

Life can’t be more confusing than it is now. You have one emotion this way, one feeling following it close by, and then the tides change. You just know that good news is about to come your eay, but then you are afraid to get it. The time before “a chit chat at MSU” turns into one of the most feared moments in my life. What is he going to say? What have I done? Why can’t I make him happy anymore? Why can’t I make myself happy?

My head is telling me to not worry but I can’t help it. I worry about everything. I don’t want to spend my spring break alone but I don’t want to be “that guy”. I just don’t know what to do. My posts are obviously, and unpredictably, random.

I smell Earl Grey tea with honey, it is soothing. That is what I want right now, something soothing. I will go now, run to the room and then run back to Memorial Union because if I am not busy, I am wasting time. The fear of productivity and the fear of unproductivity are fighting right now, damn them.

Procrastinate Now!
-Ellen Degeneres

p.s., Wendy because I am a lost boy.

To Life, To Love, To Starve for Both

When was I last happy for an extended period of time? It has been a really long time. I can tell you when it was though. It was when I was unhealthy.

I was not eating. I was working out everyday. I was losing pounds everyday. I lost thirty-five pounds in a month. That is a lot of weight. I was finally starting to love myself when my mother threatened to put me in a hospital.

More to that.

I wanted to be put into a hospital for a long time. Not for an eating disorder, which I obviously did not have then because I was overweight but not obese, but because I was suicidal and am still today at times. Last week I tried for a few hours, riding my bike against traffic at night time with no lights. I was not actively trying to hurt myself but I was not making it very easy to live.

Somehow I managed to not get hit by any cars. Otherwise I might not be typing this. Good or bad?

Right now I am listening to Moulin Rouge and loving it. It reminds me of so much, it allows me to really get into myself and examine my feelings. It makes me so sad at the same time. It seems that all I want is so close but impossible to get. I try so hard to be the best friend I can to everyone I befriend, but I can never make it really work. I am an “asshole” but I mean everything in jest. If I poke fun of you, it means I like you. You will know if I don’t like you or am being just mean because you will see the fire in my eyes. There is fire.

But how to go beyond being just a friend without losing the friend? Recently these kinds of relationships have not worked out for me. Ok, let’s be fair. I have done this a few times and it has only not worked twice so chances are that it works most every time.

But I am scared to death, what if it does not work? What if I can’t make something more from a relationship? Why do I look for other guys constantly when the one I want is not the one I am actively going for. Sitting in Pershing last night I flirted with three guys and wished for the other two. Do I see myself with them longer than a week? No, not really. So why do I want them?

I can tell you why. Because I am not happy with who I am. The closest thing to being them is to be with them. I want to be cute, hot, beautiful. I want people to ooh and awe over me. Right now it is eww and ahh. Not the reaction I want.

So what does it seem I will have to do to rectify this? It makes me want to starve myself again. Today I ate once. It feels great to have an empty stomach. I feel thinner because I am thinner. I want to have that feeling forever. I ate once yesterday. Tomorrow I don’t plan on eating at all. I realize this could hurt me, but it could not hurt me any more than riding my bicycle into a pickup truck now can it?

This is psychotic disorder Justin now. I would rather be on my death bed surrounded by friends than sitting alone in my room with no one, than spending another night feeling unloved. People realize how they love someone when they are threated with not having that person again. I want people to realize me, to know me, to love me. I want the same from me. Realize yourself Justin. Know yourself Justin. And love yourself Justin.

Why can’t I do this?

I take medicine everyday to make me happy. It does not work.
I have wonderful friends that show they care for me. They are not enough.

I often wonder what is the big plan for me. Why does all this crap happen to me? I am God’s walking joke.

It is time I get something out of all the crap life has thrown at me. I deserve to be beautiful looking, I deserve to be loved, I deserve to love, I deserve so much more than I have been given.

I hate to complain about my life. There are so many worse off than I am. I envy them, those who are worse off and deny it, they don’t allow it to get to them. They live through their lives unaffected. Where is my shield?

Want me, love me, take me away.