It’s Just Justin

Semi, Formal

So I had a pretty good time at Darrin’s party. For the first time since I have been hanging out with my new (and some old) friends, I decided that I would dress like a normal party goer and not get dressed up. When Libby got here, with Colin and Kevin, she asked me if I forgot that it was a semi formal…

She had never told me about that, just that there was a party to go to. I was kinda pissed at first but we quickly got an outfit together.

I did not know 80% of the people there and I was ok with that. I am really working on being able to meet new people and mingle without being that guy… It is hard for me but I am working to make the change into the super fun social butterfly guy, and still be able to turn it off.

I really miss having someone to curl up with and fall asleep in a warm bed… That is what I know is going to be hard. Like Geoff and I lived together before we dated which was both good and bad. The next guy, if it is not Geoff, is going to be a much different situation. I really wanted to have Geoff in the car with me and us to go bed together but you know… ain’t gonna happen. Oh well.

I am moving on, slowly but surely.

Gosh darn! It is 2:46. I need a stuffed animal to fall asleep with. I wanted to get one for Geoff for xmas but I had already picked up a few too many things over the past few weeks/months. I did not want to TOTALLY over do it but like… when I found out about Daniel giving him the CD I had gotten him for his b-day, I got really bummed out. So I did not give him the two dolls which were for his b-day, they came later for x-mas. I should have better explained that so it did not look like SOOO much stuff because he got me a great wonderful bit of stuff for my birthday.

My eyes hurt, I should get some sleep. I think the eyes hurt because people were smoking cancer sticks tonight. I have nothign against people smoking, as long as it does not interefere with my life. I know it is hipocritical since them not being able to smoke around me would interfere with their life, but they choose to smoke.

Oh, and boo to guys who won’t take no for an answer. I am NOT going home with you so please stop asking me to every time you see me. It is not even that you like me, you are just desperate. Sweet but you actually end up making me feel really trashy :(

Anywho, I think I am going to hit the sack. My tummy is growling however… perhaps there are some scraps of food laying in the refrigerator that would work to fill my void… Either way, getting off of the computer would be a fabulous idea.

Night, love to you all.
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Breakaway

So I don’t really see you online and I feel weird calling you… if you would like Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway, let me know. I have a copy burned for you whenever you and I are both in Columbia again.

I Hate Titles

Sometimes I just hate making up titles for my journal. I do not know why I think it so important to have a title, most of the time they are shitty anyways.

So I had a good time last night. I was not so sure that I wanted to go out since I had been going out so much already and tonight I was invited to a get-together, but I am glad I went. I was able to see some people I had not really hung out with and made some new friends. We went to Libby’s house and I hung out with a great girl named Laura. She is super cute and so nice. I love her hair!

I am so tired though today. I slept over there because I could not drive home… uncomfortable futon/crate downstairs. Libby gave me her bed when she left for work. I mean, I did help her get it home yesterday; she could at least let me take a nap in it hehe.

I am excited about going home Monday. I have a lot of stuff to get done here before I go but it should be accomplishable. I think I am going to try to bring a good majority of my stuff home here, at least the extra stuff. I just do not have the room for it. Most likely, I will at least send home all of my CD’s since I really have no need for them here.

I feel so stupid but I just love the new Old Navy commercials. They are just so cute! Speaking of cute, hope you are having a good time in Topeka!

Crap… just realized I am supposed to exchange gifts today with Landon and Rachel. I really wish that things could be simpler with Landon. I would love to believe we could be friends but I know he wants more and I think that causes problems. I know it causes problems.

I totally want to get Napoleon Dynamite on DVD. It looked hilarious, wanted to see it in the theater but it is just so expensive to go see a movie in the theater. I mean, you pay like 6/8 bucks per person for tickets and then if you get a drink at 2-4 dollars and if you get popcorn another 4. So for me to go on a movie date, it could cost me as much as like 32 clams! I could instead bring a guy out to a nice dinner… get dressed up and just have a fun night at some place like Sophia’s or the like.

I am so tired right now though, the past week has been busy, the past month has been busy though. Between the breakup, papers, finals, elections and trying to build a social life… I am getting worn out. But you know, I guess it is ok because once I get to Tulsa, I will heading to bed at like 9:30 and when I get to Houston, similar. Until around New Years, I won’t have Joseph to make Houston fun so I have a good week or so to totally recoup.

I am getting my hair trimmed tomorrow. It feels weirdly awesome to have a regular person to get my hair cut by. I really like Candice because not only does she do a good job with my hair, she also makes me feel good by talking to me. I think I need to start going back to my psychologist because I know I am in so many pieces right now. I need some sort of guidance to get my stuff back together. I would love to do it with Geoff but I think that it won’t really work that way.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Geoffrey and I would love for us to be able to help each other out, but I think that before we can help each other out and be each other’s shoulder to cry on, we need to independently make ourselves strong enough to be leaned against. I know that if geoff were to cry to me right now, I would be emotionally moved into a situation where all I could think was how I wish I could make him feel better… I would want to do almost anything just to make him smile… and if I could be so lucky, do the “cat-yarn-thing” that makes me soooo happy! But if that happened… I would become too emotionally attached. I am already a little too attached considering we are not dating anymore, but I feel it just takes time to let things cool down.

Well I am going to be home alone tonight and that has me a little bit sad. Jenny watched the movie Geoff bought me, Harry Potter: And the Prisoner of Azkaban. I am so glad he got me that movie, it is so wonderful. I kind of want to have a theme party so I can dress up like Harry. I wanted to do it for the past two Halloweens but the first had me sick before I could make it and the second I worked.

I think I will try to find someone to see Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. I know I JUST wrote that it cost so much to see a movie and all but I just got my book refund money and since I was not really expecting to have it, maybe I can go see a movie with it and not be upset at the price.

I really want to see Phantom of the Opera and Ocean’s Twelve. Those movies Geoff and I are supposed to see but I have a feeling he will see them on his own. That is totally ok with me. I really love the idea of us seeing at least Phantom together but you know as well as I do that it is too crazy right now to know how it will work out and all.

Well I am going to head out, take a cat nap and then get ready for my drive home on Monday. I can’t wait to see my family!!!
Well some of them at least haha.

I Hate Titles

Sometimes I just hate making up titles for my journal. I do not know why I think it so important to have a title, most of the time they are shitty anyways.

So I had a good time last night. I was not so sure that I wanted to go out since I had been going out so much already and tonight I was invited to a get-together, but I am glad I went. I was able to see some people I had not really hung out with and made some new friends. We went to Libby’s house and I hung out with a great girl named Laura. She is super cute and so nice. I love her hair!

I am so tired though today. I slept over there because I could not drive home… uncomfortable futon/crate downstairs. Libby gave me her bed when she left for work. I mean, I did help her get it home yesterday; she could at least let me take a nap in it hehe.

I am excited about going home Monday. I have a lot of stuff to get done here before I go but it should be accomplishable. I think I am going to try to bring a good majority of my stuff home here, at least the extra stuff. I just do not have the room for it. Most likely, I will at least send home all of my CD’s since I really have no need for them here.

I feel so stupid but I just love the new Old Navy commercials. They are just so cute! Speaking of cute, hope you are having a good time in Topeka!

Crap… just realized I am supposed to exchange gifts today with Landon and Rachel. I really wish that things could be simpler with Landon. I would love to believe we could be friends but I know he wants more and I think that causes problems. I know it causes problems.

I totally want to get Napoleon Dynamite on DVD. It looked hilarious, wanted to see it in the theater but it is just so expensive to go see a movie in the theater. I mean, you pay like 6/8 bucks per person for tickets and then if you get a drink at 2-4 dollars and if you get popcorn another 4. So for me to go on a movie date, it could cost me as much as like 32 clams! I could instead bring a guy out to a nice dinner… get dressed up and just have a fun night at some place like Sophia’s or the like.

I am so tired right now though, the past week has been busy, the past month has been busy though. Between the breakup, papers, finals, elections and trying to build a social life… I am getting worn out. But you know, I guess it is ok because once I get to Tulsa, I will heading to bed at like 9:30 and when I get to Houston, similar. Until around New Years, I won’t have Joseph to make Houston fun so I have a good week or so to totally recoup.

I am getting my hair trimmed tomorrow. It feels weirdly awesome to have a regular person to get my hair cut by. I really like Candice because not only does she do a good job with my hair, she also makes me feel good by talking to me. I think I need to start going back to my psychologist because I know I am in so many pieces right now. I need some sort of guidance to get my stuff back together. I would love to do it with Geoff but I think that it won’t really work that way.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Geoffrey and I would love for us to be able to help each other out, but I think that before we can help each other out and be each other’s shoulder to cry on, we need to independently make ourselves strong enough to be leaned against. I know that if geoff were to cry to me right now, I would be emotionally moved into a situation where all I could think was how I wish I could make him feel better… I would want to do almost anything just to make him smile… and if I could be so lucky, do the “cat-yarn-thing” that makes me soooo happy! But if that happened… I would become too emotionally attached. I am already a little too attached considering we are not dating anymore, but I feel it just takes time to let things cool down.

Well I am going to be home alone tonight and that has me a little bit sad. Jenny watched the movie Geoff bought me, Harry Potter: And the Prisoner of Azkaban. I am so glad he got me that movie, it is so wonderful. I kind of want to have a theme party so I can dress up like Harry. I wanted to do it for the past two Halloweens but the first had me sick before I could make it and the second I worked.

I think I will try to find someone to see Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. I know I JUST wrote that it cost so much to see a movie and all but I just got my book refund money and since I was not really expecting to have it, maybe I can go see a movie with it and not be upset at the price.

I really want to see Phantom of the Opera and Ocean’s Twelve. Those movies Geoff and I are supposed to see but I have a feeling he will see them on his own. That is totally ok with me. I really love the idea of us seeing at least Phantom together but you know as well as I do that it is too crazy right now to know how it will work out and all.

Well I am going to head out, take a cat nap and then get ready for my drive home on Monday. I can’t wait to see my family!!!
Well some of them at least haha.

Aaannnd We’re Done

So Finals are finally over, thank goodness!

Tried to get my CECS grade changed but I have to get the teacher to sign the form apparently because I am changing an “I”… but the teacher does not even live in Columbia anymore, she has moved to Virginia. So how can I get her to sign the form? Oh well.

Well, I am watching Newsies with Jenny and Meghan. I want to ask Kevin out to dinner but I am scared so I will probably just not ask him to join me.

Night! (or not haha, party later)

Hella Good Sick

Well holy shit! I went with Jim to Wal-Mart last night o get some ice cream and some sodas (for him). We chatted and walked around Wal-Mart, I had a really wonderful time. I just love Jim, he is a wonderful person.

Anyways, he got some ice cream and I just felt I had to get some as well… BAD IDEA! Ha ha, it has been about 5 months since I had Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked and boy… I should not have started.

About 5 minutes after eating the ice cream I was dizzy, queezy and falling all over the place. It was as if I had taken some drug. Jenny was with me and watched me down a huge glass of milk and then about a quart of water in single drinking sessions. It was crazy.

I felt like I was going to vomit until I went to sleep… I guess I had not really eaten anything during the day so to suddenly consume like 1000 calories (HOLY FUCK!), so many from sugar, was a shock to my body.

I woke up, thank you Jenny, ten minutes before my exam. I did not wake up with my alarms, they were too quiet. She woke me just in time to get dressed and take the final. Parts of it were so simple they insulted me and the rest was so badly written that there could be at least two possible answers. Gah! I don’t like stupid professors.

I have to get my car winterized soon, maybe I will drive Jenny to get her brakes done today.

Geoff will be here (campus) soon. We are going to have breakfast. Not sure how happy my stomach will be to have food in it. My stomach is still yelling at me so I am not sure if it would please it to have food or to run on empty a little longer. I really don’t like this sick feeling.

I am going to try and remove “really” from my internal dictionary. It i just a nasty word I use far too often.

But anywho, I would greatly enjoy the company of Kevin today. He is getting a new cell phone, Cingular, so we will be able to chat on the phone and not use up our minutes. That will be so fabulous. I remember when Geoff and I got his new cell and number, the guy realized we were dating and got him a similar number. How cute was that?

Ok, I am out. Ciao babes.

The Keys to My Heart

You know Geoff and I never watched Playing By Heart and that is really sad. I think it would have helped us, I think it could have been a good piece of therapy for us. A movie really moves me. It is complete love.

Today I cried again, first time in a long while. Nevertheless, you know, it was not nearly as bad as the cries I had a few weeks ago. Geoff gave me back my key and asked for his in return, after we exchanged Christmas gifts.

I had already gotten him a good deal of stuff before we broke up, he was the only person I had shopped for. I guess though he just recently started shopping or at least did not shop early enough so that he put a whole lot into my gifts. It is not the dollar amount spent but the meaning behind the gifts and the emotion put into them.

There were very specific reasons for each of the six gifts I gave Geoff.

Shakespeare Action Figure - Geoff has always expressed his love for Shakespeare and so much of his life he has lived through the works of Shakespeare. I remember him telling me about his AP English class and his crazy teacher. He memorized so much of these great works; he could even still recite them to me. I remember sitting next to him in the dorm as he wrote an away message of a soliloquy from Hamlet.

Jesus Action Figure - Geoff always compared himself to Jesus, sometimes in a comical way (mostly) and then sometimes in a dark, almost scary, way. Crucifixion seemed to be something that he really connected with. I choose to look at the action figure as the lighter side of Geoff’s comparison to Jesus. He is hilarious when he talks about his father (God) and how he will take care of things. It always made me smile.

Black Moleskin Book - When Geoff and I first moved into the dorm together, we decided that we should make a book called Window Shopping, which would be the results of our Gay Exploits. It went from that idea to a book where we shared our deepest feelings, intimate things, between only each other. Sometimes things were most easily written rather than spoken. I remember the first time he told me he loved me. He had typed onto a word document in my computer in Spanish. I had taken Latin so translating the greatest words I have ever read, was probably a little easier than he had expected.

Allen Ginsberg Selected Poems - Geoff told me his love for Allen Ginsberg just a few weeks ago at the mall. It was the day I cried, it was his birthday. I wept the entire time I was with him. I know he wanted this book and I knew it would mean a lot to him to have it, or so it seemed how he talked so highly about the poet.

Broken Hearts Club - The last movie we watched together, the movie that made me cry and made me realize how much I loved Geoff right before he broke up with me. This movie perhaps means more to me now than it does to him, as I may be so bold as to suspect with Moulin Rouge’s Come What May which makes me cry every time I hear/sing it. It is what made me cry tonight ultimately. I worked hard to keep the tears in but you know how that goes. I felt that I was Howie from the movie.

Red Wine - Geoff and I went to a winery together for our fraternity and really had a good time. We drank wine from time to time whenever we wanted a really relaxing and romantic moment. We always drank white wine, this time I brought him a red wine. The red wine was to signal the love I have for him and that I wanted to again share it. I really wanted him to ask me to open the bottle and have a drink with him. I even brought wine glasses (which I left in the car in case what ended up happening happened) and a corkscrew. However, Geoff ushered it to the dresser, he wanted to go to Wal-Mart to get cookies for his roommate…, and there went my chance to share a night with him.

I feel this was the last chance I had. I do not see him every asking me to come back to him. I do not know why I say come back to him; he is the one that left. I really love him and I do not want anyone else.

However, as he told me, I should not continue to wait. Maybe I will try to pursue things with other guys. I have no real choice but to do so, or live a sad life alone. I do like Kevin quite a bit. I wish he would tell me how he felt about me so that I could get the information straight from the horse’s mouth instead of hearing it from a friend of a friend.

Geoff said he has not told x1 how he feels about him and I wonder his feelings toward y2 and me. He is such a puzzle… I remember when we were going to put that puzzle together, why did we not just do it? Damn it for us forgetting why we loved to be with each other.

So I guess I move on now to search for the second love of my life. Will it be easy? No. Will I try as hard as possible? You betcha.

I will never stop loving you, wish I could believe it worked both ways.

God… wish I could go to SoCo tonight. I really want to dance and I really want to dance with Kevin. He is going to be dancing with other guys tonight and having fun with other people and not me. Maybe tomorrow night we can hang out. He is complicated, his problems with q1 and q1’s problems with d2. Oh well.

Love to you all and here is to wishing me a good New Year. I won’t have anyone to kiss, unless Joseph will offer himself to me on New Years. Kissing my best friend from high school should not be too bad… actually it might be quite nice! He is a hottie and such a sweet guy.

Ciao, out babes!

Pictures

So I decided it would be ok to just post a few pictures of the last three parties at our place. We had a blast each time. These are totally random so they are between Nissa’s b-day party, my margarita party and our finals party. w00t!

And I guess I can go ahead and put in a few more pics. A friend send me a rose the other day, took some pictures of it. I really would like to think I have some sort of talent with photography seeing as it would be something that my dad would be proud of… I want to try and explore photography more. I will takes tons of pics in my winter destinations throughout the month, I promise! :)

Oh and I know I often would post all the music I have purchased… but no one really cared and I was just getting too much anyways. So I decided I would at the most post the artist of the day.

Today the artist of the day is Silbermond. I found them through a random band-linking site and really loved their sound. Recently I have been a sucker for foreign language music, especially French and German.

Silbermond is a German rock band. The lead singer is a woman, and a beautiful one at that. Think Evenescence - Goth + Hotties + Foreign = Silbermond.

And what else? I am going shopping today to finish up x-mas gift gathering. I have nothing for my brother or father! Yikes. I also have a party to go to tonight but I have an 8am exam so I will probably just show up and then go home. It sucks that I have an exam so early but I guess it will be nice to just get it out of the way.

So I got a 100% on my paper for my sociology class and that is fabulous! I have a B+ to A- in that class and that too is fabulous. I got an A in my Bio glass and an A in my Wine class… So I am happy this semester is ending on at least a high GPA. Wish I still had a boyfriend but I guess you just roll with the punches! :)

I am expecting a C-B in both my political science and anthropology classes.

Well, I need to get dressed… again haha. Love to you all.

See you tonight, you know who you are :)

Fool House

So I had a few people over last night to watch some movies and eat some bits of food and drink a little. It was the perfect sized “party”. We had a really great time. I wish I could have had about three mor people there but things are just comlicated. But either way we had a good time and that is what matters.

I think that Geoff and I are doing much better, personally. I know our last physical presence was not pretty at all nor was our last phone presence, or one of the last at least. I think I just need my space and he needs his so that we can be the friends we used to be. He was my best friend you know. We talked about everything and always had just awesome times. We fell in love as friends before, perhaps it can happen again. We both have a bit of growing up to do until that will work out.

Meanwhile though, I am having a really good time hanging out with old and new friends. Kind of excited about going home to Tulsa and then to Houston and then to Tulsa and then to Columbia and then to Chicago and then to Columbia… That is so awesome! I can’t wait to hang out in Chicago with Andrew. Crazy as it is… Erin and Patrick and Will are probably going to be there. So we might just have the greatest time exploring the city together.

Geoff and I are exchanging gifts today, I am nervous that I am not going to be able to show how I feel for him through presents… if we were dating it would be one thing, but he has someone else and I don’t want to interfere. His new guy, not the guy who I thought would be his first b/f after me, is super duper nice. Geoff has a really good thing going for him because the people he is liking right now seem to all be great.

I am looking at a few guys myself… it will be a while however before it feels right. I know it will be a loooooong time before I fall in love, but I would rather wait a long time and make it work than rush into anything.

Love to all.

-justin

My Life in Lyrics

And here it is ladies and gentlemen… The song of the moment for my life.