It’s Just Justin

Fear, Love

I was afraid of losing Geoff’s love. I know I lost it, most completely. Now I am afraid I am falling out of love with him. Is there any hope left?

I hate Finals

I had a most awesome weekend and now I realize that I have a final in one hour and twelve minutes.

Not so fun.

But anywho, so much to post, perhaps a few pics and perhaps a few cd’s and perhaps a few others.

Much love.

I Will Love Again

So as if you did not already know, whenever Justin is lost he looks to music for inspiration, help, guidance.

Here you will find me listening to a song first heard from Lara Fabian on CBS This Morning. The song is “I Will Love Again” as you probably read above.

This song single handedly explains my feelings.

Thanks for a nice night.

P.S. starting tomorrow (well next post) I will being to tell you about my life, outside of my breakup (it has capitvated me a bit)

I have realized that my life evolves around elevens. I feel (believe) Geoff and I really started at 11:11 and I know he ended it at 11:11 and I know that I went to his place at 11:11 and I know I posted this at 1:11. What is the siginificance of eleven, or perhaps simply one? Is it as simple, or corny, as that he is the one and I am the one and there is one love? I don’t know, but I would like to think so. I know I feel completely in love with Geoff in the 11 month of the year. That was quite a moment for me. I am back there and I can’t wait to make the move back to the top of the world.

The Past Two Weeks

So the past two weeks have been so life changing for me. I am constantly just a blink away from falling into tears. I keep thinking about how close I was to keeping Geoff how simple it could have been if only I had known what was going wrong. I am still so afraid of losing him, there are so many other people in the world that I am battling against for the love of my life.

Geoff has put the lyrics to All I Ask Of You from phantom of the opera. If he is sending it out as a message to me, it makes me feel very comfortable. If it is for someone else, life is going to be rough for me. I see him as Raoul and I am Christine.

He knows now how much I love him and he knows that I realize my mistakes… he has not made mention of any mistakes on his part, but I am sure we both know he made just as many mistakes. No one is perfect and put two people together and expect the relationship to have twice as many imperfections as you, one half of the relationship, have. But there are also twice as many qualities.

You need to look at the good times… Remember St. Louis, remember the Plaza, remember those times that nothing else mattered in the world. I remember them and I pray every night that we can have those again.

I love you.

Cloud 8

So I am not quite back on Cloud 9 but I am getting much closer. Geoff and I talked and sorted a lot of stuff out. I have so much love for him and I feel he has some for me and I just hope it will grow back.

Thanks Geoff, you provide me with such happiness.

Sight

Can you not see how much I love you? What could you want more than love?

I would die for you.

a Love is a Love till a Love is Lost

I do not think you realize how much you love someone until you know you are going to lose him or her. I have been crying for a month or so now, I have been hiding it, I have been faking happiness but I have really been dead inside. My heart is broken, a new feeling for me. I feel like the most important thing in my life is dead and at my hand. I loved, love and will always love Geoff. I am in love with you. I feel so weak, what can I do? What could I have done? Why is he over me? Why was this so simple for him? For you.

You may not love me today, tomorrow, or ever, but I will love you until it kills me, and, even then, you will be in my heart.

I cried last night, I cried this morning, I cry right now. I will cry until there are no more tears to wet my cheeks, no more breath to makes my screams. I have nothing anymore. Without you, I have nothing. You were everything to me and you took it all away. I hate you for what you have done to me. I am not supposed to be sad. I am supposed to be strong.

Doubt that the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.

How can I make you see this? How can I make us work?

Why can you not really tell me how you feel? Why can you not tell me that you are not in love with me but in love with someone else? Why can you not? How could you let that happen? How could I have let this happen?

Love is a many splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love

For the first time in my life, I can feel the pains of the tragic love stories. I am Romeo, I am Christian.

Love that we cannot have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest…

I remember when I first met you… I was afraid to talk to you, you were so unattainable, so beautiful, so perfect. I remember when I first became your friend… I was afraid to tell you how I felt, you were so kind, so funny, so perfect. I remember when you first kissed me… I was afraid of loving you, you were so true, so honest, so perfect. I remember when we first had sex… I was no longer afraid. You were one with me, so numbing, so gentle, so perfect. I remember when you broke up with me. I was afraid again. You were no longer in love with me, still perfect, still beautiful and again, unattainable. I remember again that I am alone. I am so afraid of never being loved again.

I feel as though I must go run out to battle, prove to you my love, prove to you that we can be happy together now as we were before things went sour. I know I can do this. I know I can make you smile. I know I can be that guy for you. I saw a future for us, and the images, burned into my eyes.

We stand together, you place a ring on me, I place one on you. We kiss, we are married. We are the quintessential definition true love. Years pass and we have children. They are so cute, they are so perfect in our eyes. We fought hard for them, we cried for weeks when things looked like we might not have them. But we stuck it out, we have children together. They are so sweet, that have your sass and your ability to make my heart melt.

They grow up of course and we grow older. I can see the wrinkles on your face, I remember the laughter and smiles that made those wrinkles. I hold your hand as we drive to watch our first child graduate from college. We are so proud,… we cry as we realize that he is no longer ours alone.

We are alone now, retired and comfortable. We are full of love and nothing is more perfect. We travel Europe, we live our lives without a need for care. We have each other. You know those stories where the husband dies at age 87 and just a few weeks later, his wife dies? I can’t live without you. I would follow you home.

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.

I know you said to be that “brevity is the soul of wit” and I guess I have failed at making this brief. I leave with one last…

Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.

Geoff, I love you, I want nothing more than you as my boyfriend, partner, husband, whatever. I don’t know what I can do. How I can win you. I can change, I will change, I have changed. And remember…

It’s Over

So like all the great things in my life, another has left. Geoff does not want to date me anymore. He told me he was no longer in love with me… I could actually feel my heart break. Have you ever had that feeling? Your eyes begin to hurt and your mind races to make a new ending to the previous sentence… It can’t be real, this can’t be happening.

But it did.

And now I am single again, for the first time in eight months. I still love Geoff, I am still in love with Geoff, but I can’t be his backup. I cannot share him as he has asked for this x-mas break. We used to ponder over those couples who lived in an open relationship, how could they possibly function? Certainly they only wanted a guarenteed bed partner.

He also said that he felt that all the passion was gone from our sex life… This might be true. I felt it leave about a month ago, he stopped kissing me and telling me he loved me while we were “making love”. I felt like a peice of meat.

I am so upset about all of this but what am I to do? I just don’t know.