Be not afeard. The isle is full of noises,
Sounds, and sweet airs that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices
That, if I then had waked after long sleep,
Will make me sleep again. And then, in dreaming,
The clouds methought would open and show riches
Ready to drop upon me, that when I waked
I cried to dream again.Caliban - Act III | The Tempest | Shakespeare
Smile because you know it’s a joke and because you know it’s at least a little true. Seriously, Artisan-buddy?! Let’s keep away from Justin’s associations.
An old whore’s diet
Gets me going in the morning
Ain’t nothing like it
Gets me going in the morningTo say I love you
Gets me going where I want to
Oh, gets me going
Oh, gets me going in the morning(Repeats)
Hell, either here or Hell will do
Either here or Hell will employ you
Suicidal assistance
An old whore’s diet
Smile!!!
So today, as I was leaving Plaza 900 where I had lunch with Becca and Lacinta, I passed Geoff and Matt walking, I presume, to Plaza 900 for their lunch. Geoff called to me asking me how I was doing and I was caught off guard. I feel bad because I kind of blew him off, I simply replied, “I’m fine, gotta go!” and continued my brisk walk towards Brady Commons where I was heading to meet up with another friend.
I would like to apologize for doing that to you. It is what people have told me I have to do, I have to get my distance from you but how can I do that when you work with me and we share a fraternity? I cannot afford to quit my job right now, as little money I get from it, it is all I get beyond immediate living expenses from my parents. If i want to buy something for myself, I am alone.
I don’t want to quit Acacia but it is a definite possibility.
Anyways, I want to hang out sometime and I want to be friends and I want to be happy, but you have to make the move and you have to do it alone. I cannot be happy hanging out with you and other people. I cannot be happy hanging out with you if you continue to bring up bad things, things of the past. I cannot do that stuff right now, the latter should never be done. Later, perhaps soon, we can share friends and hang out at parties together. We talked about this not long ago. I really want that, of course we also know what I really want and that is you as my boyfriend.
Bah, much love. Sorry for how I acted.
-justin
p.s. something i want to write but i won’t because i feel you will feel it was asshole’ish so i end with this…
come what may…
So “What the Fuck?”…
After Geoff broke up with me I went through and tried to clear some stuff out of my life that we shared… just our dirty laundry… semi-literally. I did not get rid of everything because I want us to get back together some day, I love him and can’t live without that love but that is not my point right now.
After my happiness ended, I gave all of our socks to him. We shared socks… we were very obviously quite close. I went to Sam’s Club and purchased all new socks right?
Well in the past week or so, I have found that nearly every pair of new socks has been replaced with a pair of the old socks that I gave to Geoff.
How can this happen? It makes no sense. Some sock gnome is playing with my mind and I don’t like it!
So this is an apologetic email. The emotions meant to be output were not towards Geoff, they were emotions of anger towards someone else who will not allow that I loved, love and will love Geoff. They are not meant as anger towards geoff but an argument towards her of what my mind is processing.
Love to G, sorry we can’t be… i am terribly corny.
So just shut up.
Don’t tell me that my life is easy to live right now. I have taken steps to kill myself in the past and I have done it in the not so distant past. Do not dare tell me that my mind is not sick. I already feel dead.
I am sorry that you have never been in love so there is no way for you to realize what it is like to lose it and then to have a person act like you were never in love with each other.
Hemingway writes “I felt the death loneliness that comes at the end of every day that is wasted in your life.”
You break down if you talk about your mother but you won’t believe that I could feel as bad or worse than she? Step back because it is the people of the world like you that make me want to end everything. When you feel you have nothing to lose, why not just end it all?
I hate most everything in my life. Being in love with someone who does not love you… being in love with someone who you feel is deceiving you at every turn in the road… being in love with someone who causes you so much pain with barely lifting a finger, that is the reason I will die. I won’t die from disease or from some heroic venture, it will be from his hands that I die.
There was a time you let me know
What’s really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you
I remember when I moved in, you
the holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
There are reasons for each of these songs on here. Only perhaps one person will understand them and that person I doubt will actually understand them in the end. I truly am alone. I have bottled up love, saved it for years and now that I am out, now that it is gone, now that you have stolen it from me, how do I live without you? You hold my love, it sits in the palms of your hands. You juggle it ’round, toss it towards the ground and scatter sand on it, grinding the grains into every crevice of my heart, bleeding it dry.
You gave me all your love in one day
You gave it all and almost faded away
Well I’m gonna take this sad unread issue
In my arms tonight
Looking at hospitals Victorian
Feeling as helpless as the Elephant Man
Wish you were here
To chain you up without shame
In my arms tonightI ain’t a soft and saccharine wannabe
Still I pray to God
This song will end happily
So I offer you a place to rest
And forget yourself
In my arms tonight
I dream a dream and wish that the dreams would stop. Where is my elysium? Do I not deserve that? Elysian fields, the pinnacle of happiness. You allude to the one who wore the crown of thorns but your thorns rest onto me, piercing my soft skin. Remembering the touch of your hand on my skin brings pain.
If a person should ever like a person
How funny that would be
If a person should ever like me
Not that I have that much to offer
God knows I have so much to gain
From the harvester of hearts
From the harvester of pain
It is as though when you have something, things are absolutely perfect, you are happy as you can be and once that is taken away, you are not indebt that amount. Is it that we are not supposed to be happy? Should I again forget love and live in stagnate?
Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love
You got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evening looking at the stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
Then what has happened to love
So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fairgrounds and rebel angels
You can’t be trusted with feathers so hollow
Your heaven’s inventions, steel eyed vampires of love
You see over me, I’ll never know
What you have shown to other eyes
Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you’ve lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me
Nowhere’s now here smelling of junipers
Fell of the hay bales, I’m over the rainbows
But of Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic power of love
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Go or go ahead
Why stop you now? You cannot be stopped so there really is no trying. Your ability to forget our good and focus on the bad, your inability to see what someone loves you, more than you can know, is, for lack of better words, preposterous.
I dont want to hold you and feel so helpless
I dont want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion with eyes in loveI twist like a corkscrew, the sweetness rising
I drink from the bottle weeping
Why won’t you last?
Why can’t you last?
So I will walk without care
Beat my snare
Look like a man who means business
Go to all the poshest places
With their familiar faces
Terminate all signs of weaknessOh, all for the sake
All for the sake
Of a foolish loveI will take my coffee black, never snack
Hang with the wolves who are sheepish
Flow through the veins of town, always frown
Me and my mistress the princessOh, all for the sake
All for the sake
Of a foolish loveSo the day Noah’s Ark floats down park
My eyes will be simply glazed over
Or better yet
I’ll wear shades on sunless days
And when the sun’s out I’ll stay and slumberOh, all for the sake
All for the sake
Of a foolish love
I don’t feel like I am exaggerating when I say that you will never be loved by anyone else as much as I love you. I guess that was the message Landon once tried to give me, a message of a lesson I did not take notes. I should have never left my loves of the past so premature. There was love and happiness left with Landon and with Jim, love that because I quit so early, I will never be able to experience.
Playing with prodigal sons
Take a lot of sentimental valiums
Can’t expect the world to be your Raggedy Andy
While running on empty you little old doll with a frownYou got to keep in the game
Retaining mystique while facing forward
I suggest a reading of Lessoon in Tightropes
Or urfing Your High Hopes or dios KansasIt isn’t very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted
why can’t you learn from my mistakes? do not let love pass you by. You are only allowed, it is my theory, so many people to love and to be loved by and I think, I honestly think, that you were my best. I don’t know that I will ever be able to love again.
The mind has so many pictures
Why can’t I sleep with my eyes open
The mind has so many memories
Can you remember what it looks like when I cryI’m Trying, trying to tell you
All that I can in a sweet and velvet tongue
But no words ever could sell you…
Want you to make love to me and only to me in the dark
I’m only the one you love
Am I only the one you love?We’ve traded in our snap shots
We’re going through the motions
With that I leave. You want us to be friends but I only feel used. I don’t feel a two-way relationship here. I give and you receive, you reap what I sow. I may be forced to leave a part of this campus, something I do not want to do but if I cannot be happy because you are there… it is either leave the organization or leave this campus, this city, this lfie.
I am thoroughly depressed, suicidal at best. I want you and you alone. I can only be happy, completely happy, when I am with you, alone without the rest of the world. I cannot be happy with you and whoever you are dating or hanging out with, whoever you are replacing me with as if not only your best friend, you new love.
I can do the replacing for you.
p.s. any commentary on this page has little to nothing to do with the lyrics. figure that out for yourself.
So I have been a bad blogger and have neglected you guys. School is about to start and my life is still in chaos.
I want love, but it’s impossible.
A man like me, so irresponsible.
A man like me, is dead in places,
Other men, feel liberated.
And I can’t love, shot full of holes.
Don’t feel nothing, I just feel cold.
Don’t feel nothing, just old scars.
Toughening up around my heart.
But I want love, just a different kind.
I want love,
won’t break me down, won’t brick me up, won’t fence me in.
I want a love, that don’t mean a thing,
That’s the love I want, I want love.
I want love, on my own terms.
After everything I’ve ever learned.
Me, I carry too much baggage.
Oh man I’ve seen so much traffic.
But I want love, just a different kind.
I want love,
won’t break me down, won’t brick me up, won’t fence me in.
I want a love, that don’t mean a thing,
That’s the love I want, I want love.
So bring it on,
I’ve been bruised.
Don’t give me love, that’s clean and smooth.
I’m ready for the rougher stuff,
No sweet romance, I’ve had enough.
A man like me, is dead in places,
Other men, feel ever ready.
But I want love, just a different kind.
I want love,
won’t break me down, won’t brick me up, won’t fence me in.
I want a love, that don’t mean a thing,
That’s the love I want, I want love.
I want love, just a different kind.
I want love,
won’t break me down, won’t brick me up, won’t fence me in.
I want a love, that don’t mean a thing,
That’s the love I want, I want love.
So I am off. I was kind of ditched this morning which got me down, but it is nothing new to me. I need more friends like my last friend, but I think that friend is lost forever.
So I had to cancel/postpone my trip to Chicago. After my last flight, and looking at the weather, it just does not seem like the smartest idea. I have felt really sick about it for the past few days and finally made the decision today to cancel the flight.
It has been a fabulous day though. Geoff and I hung out and had a really good time, even though our food sucked ass. It seems that with every big problem we have, and overcome, we end up dramatically improving our friendship. Not long into the future I see us back together, as friends.
Love to you all.
p.s. oo
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