February 11th, 2006 | | Posted in Uncategorized
Still at Aroma’s, listening to my workout playlist on my iPod Shuffle, just about to leave when… This guy Matt walks in.
There are very few guys I have met in California that I can see myself dating. Even fewer that I feel would be with me. Matt is a great guy, I would love to be with someone like him but doubt I will be (at least just yet), wow, I am pretty honest on here eh? I guess there are those people who are beautiful and go for the not quite as beautiful people. Wait though… Brad Pitt left a beautiful person for a more beautiful person… But mostly, I think the beautiful people go for other beautiful people, smart people for other smart people, gothy people for other gothy people. Of course, I have proven that theory wrong several times. Ha ha
- I am smart and went for a not so smart guy (twice).
- I am clean cut and I went for a pop-ego-subculture type.
- I am drug-free but go for druggies (stupid stupid supid)
- I am afraid of dancing but I go for dancers
- I love singing but have dated someone that could hold a tune
- I am upper middle income but I go for lower to upper
- I want to be held but feel uncomfortable when they hold me
- I love thin guys and have only dated thin guys but I’m not thin
- I need a stable person but go for the weak/unstable
- I deserve love but go for the unloving ones
- I want to settle down but I’m not ready yet
You get what you don’t want, you want what you can’t have and once you have what you can’t, you no longer want it. This is generally true for me, except in a case or two.
Just the other day I was having a conversation with Landon about life and single life, how they are totally different. I am a different person when I am dating someone. I am happy, I am out going, I am confident and eager to suceed. Single? I am sad, tired, slothy and self loathing (eeeeew!).
That is something I cannot handle in people, self-loathing. Dear God that is unattractive. Sadly I am just about the king of it. I feel sorry for myself way too often. Jena, my brother and others have told me this, not that I did not already realize it. This is the first time I have admitted it publicly. I love feeling sorry for myself, if not mostly so that I can be that much more relieved when the problem is over.
Of course, as with most negative things with Justin, the bad lingers for a long while. I get sick rarely but when I do, it is pretty bad (months long). I don’t have money problems but if I do it is rent due, cellphone, internet, Vonage and the rest all at once and all during the week that my paycheck didn’t go through on time.
It is all ok, I am fine and always will be. My life will never be nearly as bad as most of the people in the world. I live an easier life than millions, billions, across the country. How could I possible complain? I guess that is part of being in a free America, we are all free to screw ourselves and then cry over it. We are all pity whores, how gross.
Let’s make this post a concerted effort to not be so self-loating from now on. Sound good? Yeah, I know you are all like, “It’s about god-damned time”. Of course, it would be a lot easier a feat if I was fifteen pounds lighter, two inches taller, 15 IQ points smarter, $30 million richer, three times more vocally capabile and able to dance my souls off, the ones on my shoes not the ones I bought from a cheap whore in New Orleans.
I think my next steps are quite simple.
- Get a haircut, trim it up so it is not so bushy in the back.
- Continue to work out
- Eat (over eating is not my problem, not eating is) healthily
- Work hard at Starbucks, give it my all so I can get that promotion
- Figure out school so I can succeed and graduate.
Simply five steps to a better me. There are part B’s and D’s to everything plus sub-clauses and addendums plus the amendments and proposals herefortherewithall. Even still, it is a start.
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