It’s Just Justin

Fear, Jealousy and Regret

My three most damaging traits.

I fear disappointing people.

I am jealous of other people.

I regret so many choices made in my life.

Once written by me, “If something else doesn’t kill me, regret will”.

There are people in my life I am jealous of, that I fear and regret. There are some people that are all of these things to me. I’m afraid to say who, of course most of you know. I fear him, I love him, I am jealous of his fortune and regret so much of our past. Though the past was for the most part, absolutely incredible. I do not regret the past, rather the fact that I have those incredible memories to remind me of what I will never have again.

These days I find myself in a land of complete opportunity. My options for success grow greater with each day. Job offers from all directions, friends in high and low places. I am actually turning down people who want to date me. This is unprecidented for me… ok, well that is a stretch, even still, I am at the top of my game, in theory.

The theory is shattered when you sit me down with some Knobb Creek on the rocks and an open conversation. I will cry that my entire life is a mess; something I honestly believe to be true.

I have a problem with forgetting the past and moving on, quite honestly I don’t really ever do it. My very first boyfriend was Landon. I can only think of the good times we had, the wonderful things he did for me, the fabulous adventures we embarked upon, and the realness of the love we shared. With Jim I think of the walks in the snow to get Thai food, the fun stories of his family and the first relationship I thought I didn’t deserve. Geoffrey was the first and only person I have ever dated that, from the start, I knew I could spend my eternity sharing a life with him and desire nothing, no one else. Seth was the first time I dated someone not at the top of their class, someone not intending to further their education. The first time I ever dated any one connected to any type of drug use, it was the first time a person made me forget about Geoffrey.

Seth is a jerk, unreliable, uncompromising, outrageous and crude. Seth is also artistic beyond conception, kind hearted, able to make any situation fun, surprisingly comforting and courageously compassionate. I love the guy and, it seems he loves me. We see each other about once a week now, our friendship is growing, things are getting back to how they used to be, when we were dating. I’m not sure how I feel about this.

“Artistic beyond conception” You might read that and say, not possible. Trust me on this.

In my mind, all of my troubles could be so easily removed from my life with the simple act of weightloss. I recently went through some 20lbs of photos from my childhood. I saw how beautiful of a baby I was, how incredibly attractive I was as a toddler and young kid and how I ballooned up arond 1st and second grade. The weight I gained ruined my life. I see now why no one wanted to be my friend, why I felt so alone in the world. I was at my thinnest in a long time when Geoffrey told me he wanted to be my boyfriend.

Forever I associate happiness with thiness. I find myself unattractive based soley on my weight. I know I am not overweight, infact I’m right on target weight wise. I could exchange a few lbs of fat for muscle but I’m in great shape. I ran down a cab last night after two drinks and across two and a half blocks without breaking losing breath, much less breaking a sweat. My stupid gut gets in my way.

If I am not attractive to myself, how could anyone else find me so?

I fear that I will never be thin, athletically built or trim.

I am jealous of Landon, Geoff and Seth’s waistline (though I do wear the same sized pants as Seth and Geoff). Geoff can, well at least when we were dating, wear an extra small sized t-shirt. This is a size I didn’t, until then, know even exited! (Sorry Geoff if you didn’t want that out there…) Of course I desire now an XS size,e ven though my broader shoulders and chest would never allow that, less I wasted away losing muscle and bone mass, not sexy.

I regret that I ever was so fat and that I couldn’t see it until it was too late. I regret being put on medications that furthered my problems and I regret the high costs of plastic surgery.

This post was supposed to simply be the result of looking as some new pictures, instead I seemed to have opened up a can of worms that I’m not ready to quit. I have to wake up for work in…. three hours. Let’s get some sleep. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to Club seVen buuuuuuuutttttttttttttttttttttttt, I think I’m going to pass in favor of cleaning my house, getting an oil change, washing clothes and updating my blog.

Even though I’m in a shitty mood right now, won’t forget the wonderful weekend I had in the city shopping, clubbing and hanging out.