Bletch, Those Wretched Emotions
Doing alright these days. Jeremy and I had an in depth conversation tonight about life. I guess I realized some things tonight that I have been denying myself. I need to move on with certain people in my life, give up and carry on with life. I need to stop looking for love, it has always been best when it has found me. (Geoff, Seth and Landon all found me)
When I seek out people, I get burned. No more seeking. Just live life, love life and that person will find me. I need to give up on a past love that still has be thinking. I am more likely to make a life with Seth, someone as complicated as Seth and yet I still find him the most approachable about moving up into that next level of a relationship. Though it would be easier with Landon, safer and more successful, it is no longer in the cards for us, I fear.
Jeremy has me thinking, is that really what I want right now? Is he the one I really want or would I be settling?
A co-worker, and great friend, today had a very open conversation about love and its predicaments. He believes that now is not the time for me to settle down with a guy. In his eyes, I’m not ready for it… While I would immediately argue otherwise, perhaps he is correct.
If I was really, truly, ready to settle down, I would likely be doing it with either Seth or Landon… However, I have no intention of moving to where they live, at least not now. I must finish school. If I was so in love with either of these two guys, I would be in DC right now (or readying myself to move wherever Landon will be after his December graduation, ie, I would not have moved back to Columbia), or in California saving money and moving in with Seth again.
Instead I came back to Mizzou and am starting up school here, starting up my job with Starbucks here, making new friendships and exploring relationships here, now.
I have gone on two dates now the the Opera Boy. He is sweet, kind, intelligent, a great singer and very much similar to me in many ways. There are a few hurdles but I won’t write here about them. Time has a tendency of clearing these things out.
I fear right now that something or someone is going to sabotage the fun, friendly relationship Geoff and I are working on. I love this guy more than both of my kidneys. I have this bad feeling in my gut that someone is going to try and pull our friendship away, again. I cannot let that, will not let that happen. For the record, I will take advantage of all my resources (which are quite vast, might I remind) to get painful vengeance on whoever tries to fuck this friendship up. Ooooh baby, someone’s gonna get cut!!!
:)
Work has been stressful this week, but after my conversation with my buddy-friend-guy at work, I think everything will work out.
Tomorrow I have the day off. Oh happy day. I am going to workout with Ian and then hangout later with Opera Boy. I am looking forward to both events. I do hope Jeremy gets his homework done and that I get a good night’s sleep. I am off here now, whoever reads this, note the tag of Emotional Overdrive when taking things personal.
I love you guys and am glad I have this outlet to explore my emotions. Who knows, in five minutes I might be singing sweet praises to love and happiness. Right now, poo on Love and poo on Happiness! :-)
Mostly, poo on those with either and double poo on those with both (right Jeremy?!). I love you guys, haha. Smooches
-justin
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