My professor just said that today would be a disturbing day… Nothing could be more disturbing than yesterday. Things are rough and I am searching for the light at the end of the tunnel. He has been my light for a year or more now. He lights my life up and I am afraid he is finding his light in other people. I think his eyes, and heart, might be wandering, I surely hope and believe that is the extreme of our situation.
I know he knows that I love him, he must for I tell him everyday. I hold him at night, kiss him and want little more. He tells me that he loves me, but I don’t feel it like I did before. I keep waiting to hear him tell me that he wants to watch me fall asleep. Even while in bed, I feel his mind is at an unrest.
Things are crazy for him right now with fraternity elections, missing his family, saving money and mostly, education and his future. It is hard for him, as it is for almost anyone, to choose his future. I myself know that. Right now I am at a loss for where I want to go and who I want to be. Lawyer? Doctor? Psychologist? Businessman? Advertisement?
He says now that he wants to just exist… I feel like that is where I am and trust me, it is not where anyone should want to be. I have said for over a decade that I wish my future was picked out for me. I wish I was supposed to be a lawyer, that it was in the cards, etched in stone, something even more permanent perhaps. Maybe I am supposed to be a jazz trumpet player… professional ice sculptor?
I feel, in my gut, that things will work out. Life will get better for us both. We will grow stronger for each other, with each other. Soon we will part for nearly, if not at least, a week. I remember the last time we were pulled apart. It was rough. I found myself near tears nearly everyday, and certainly every night in bed.
I love you.
On a side note, I bought a cd today, and will but two more by day’s end.
No Doubt – Everything Comes in Time
And to buy…
Destiny’s Child – Destiny Fulfilled
Rufus Wainwright – Want Two