Joseph

Goodbye is the Hardest Word to Say

There are a lot of people that come and go in your life. Your childhood best friend, your first boyfriend or girlfriend, college roommates… You get the idea.

I've done a lot in my short time in existence, which just recently hit the 26 year mark. I've lived all over the place, up and moved across the country three times. I am lucky enough to have friends all over the state, the country and the world. It never fails that I will be in a random city, for a random reason and I bump into someone I know. Just last week my friend slash coworker Amy, aka @adifran, and I went to Blue Springs Missouri for a Think First event.

Amy and I weren't there more than ten minutes before two people came up to me, a classmate from Advanced Photography and a guy who couldn't quite pin down from where exactly he knew me. A little later I bumped into a friend of a friend.  

A couple of years ago Ryan and I were in Chicago, about to hop onto the L when, what do you know, someone who pledged my fraternity recognized me. He and his girlfriend road with us to our stop, we talked old times and parted at the next stop. 

But then there are those really special people in your life. The people you don't expect or don't even realize how much they mean to you until it sneaks up on you. 

As a kid there were these people in my life. My brother Patrick who I looked up to as most little brothers do. I wanted to be just like him for the longest time. I don't think he ever really knew how much I wanted to follow in his footsteps. Even today, when I need that really big life changing type of advice, he's the first on my list. He was the first family member I came out to. Without his support I wouldn't be where I am today.

The next person in my life was my cousin David. David and I were best friends from childhood. We summered on the beach every year together, we went to the Cayman Islands together, we built forts, we did all the things you do with your best friend… breaking into swimming pools, talking shit, camping out, you know the drill. When I decided I was going to move to California David was the first person on my list of people I wanted to live with. A couple of weeks later the two of us were driving to California for an adventure like we'd nothing we'd ever dreamed of.

In high school there was Joseph. I could tell Joseph anything, he could tell me anything. Together we somehow survived uniquely difficult junior and senior years. It seemed like our friendship blossomed overnight. One day we were two parts of a huge clique of friends, the next day we were best friends. Our nights were shared going out to dinner at Chipotle or Macaroni Grill, driving up and down FM 1960 blasting hip hop music, buying music and finding comfort in our shared company. Always kind, always funny, always there for me and up for just about anything.

One way or another I said goodbye to each of these people. Patrick is married to the most amazing person in the world and living off in Houston. David is also married, which is a bit of a shocker, he always was such a heart breaker. Joseph, this was perhaps the most surprising. He's in Korea teaching English, getting a law degree and generally exploring the East in a way that would make Dhani Jones jealous.

I would argue that the hardest part of goodbye is the feeling of emptiness it leaves you. There are these people who have made such a strong impact on your life, they have shown you love, they have taught you about yourself and the world, they have been there for the good and the bad through laughter and tears, love and pain. What they leave behind is a pit, an endless abyss of negativity. You are happy for their ability to move on, move up and move out. You know you'll see them again, that you can talk on the phone or online and that you'll still be friends for life. But your heart fights reason.

Your heart reminds you of everything they were to you, everything that is now lost.

These are holes you are certain can never be filled back in by anyone or anything else.

Enter Chase. 

Chase entered my life after I abruptly moved back to Columbia from California. Little did we know we were dancing around each other nearly our entire lives. From living in the same part of Houston, to the same part of Tulsa. We went to the same concerts, even an obscure Jason Mraz concert my senior year of high school. We both loved the same music, the same obsession with technology, movies and shows. Who would have thought that this total stranger would become like a brother to me?

I have Chase to thank for a lot. Would I have Ryan in my life without Chase? I'm not so sure! He brought so much to my life in a really unexpected way. At the time I didn't really have many straight guy friends. Most of my friends were other gay guys or girls who attracted gay guys like moths to a flame. I have Chase to thank for the next two people on the list. 

Corey, over there on the left eating Dave's bicep.

The first night I met Corey I thought… David? He reminded me so much of my cousin and proved to be just as cool, fun, exciting and generally bad ass. A little over a year ago I realized just how important Corey was in my life. He and chase moved to Blue Springs with their band to do the music thing full time. All of a sudden I felt this emptiness like I hadn't felt in a long time.

When Ryan was in the hospital and with a dangerous prognosis, Corey was the one I went to. He comforted me in a moment of absolute vulnerability. I was emotionally drained, physically shaken and felt like the world was closing in around me. I drove from the hospital to Corey's work. I made it all the way to the counter before I broke down into a sobbing mess. 

Corey brought me the level of comfort, compassion and love I needed so dearly. He held me, dried my tears and absorbed some of my fear and despair.

And in then there is Sam. An incredible photography, a fantastic musician (like Chase and Corey), passionate, funny and ridiculously in touch with his feelings and the feelings of others. There is nothing I couldn't share with Sam. His heart is pure and his mind is open.

It's a little funny how when I think about Sam my words begin to fail me. In place of words are memories, his last night in town at the Snorty Horse, Scouts concerts, bar hopping around town, photography talks, trivia nights, tequila shots at The Artisan… Thinking about these memories literally brings a smile to my face. He shares a heart and humor paralleled by only one other person I've ever had enter my life, my high school best friend, Joseph.

I get lost in the memories of these three guys. A mixture of happiness and sadness overflows me. This time a few months ago we were hanging out and then, one by one they moved away. Sam was the first to go followed by Corey and then Chase. They moved up, on and away in the exact opposite way that they entered my life.

Not going to lie. The night Sam left, signifying the inevitable end of one of the best periods of my life, I was a big ol' mess. Cried my freaking eyes out. 

A lot of people have entered my life. These people came and went, they made their impact. They were friends, roommates, classmates, boyfriends… They were for me the most important people in my life at the time.

Things were different with Chase, Corey and Sam. For the second time in my life I felt an endless sense of loss. There was something unique to these three people that affected me in a way only my brother, my cousin David and my best friend Joseph had before. It was in the night that I said goodbye to Sam that I realized something. That whole left ages ago had somehow been filled by these three guys. I realized that there are people put into your life to fill a certain purpose. To help you grow, learn and love.

Twice in my life I've had this experience. Who could ever expect to be so lucky?

I put off writing this blog post for quite a while. June 22 I started writing and over a month later I'm here to finish it. Why am I finishing it now? Well I got some other big news late last month. Ryan, arguably the most important person in my life will also be leaving. We're both excited, scared, nervous and happy about the big change we're both about to experience. In a few weeks Ryan will be living in San Francisco and I will have to say goodbye, temporarily as I stay here in Columbia.

But that's another day and another post.

Sam, Corey and Chase moving away was incredibly hard on me. I felt that familiar emptiness. But today I smile at the prospect of visiting Sam in Seattle, Corey in Florida and the incredible excitement at Chase's wedding in December. They will be a part of my life for the rest of my life and I can't wait to see where we all end up. Who knows, we might some day find ourselves back in the same city together, drinking PBRs and grilling some burgers.

I can't wait to see what happens next!

Enhanced by Zemanta

Homesick in Houston

It has only been like 30 hours since I left Columbia and I can’t believe it but I’m homesick!

I went on Back to My Mac, which by the way, always works for me and checked in on my apartment using Photo Booth.

I use the PrePane hack, Secrets, to do some extra fun things with MobileMe’s Back to My Mac, you should all get it, btw.

Here’s the picture I got from Photo Booth.

I really need to take hots of the apartment with the new furniture, sorry I didn’t do that before I left.

Anyways, looking at a live shot of my apartment made me all sad that I wasn’t there.  I want to see my fish, I want to enjoy my 55″ HDTV and I want to gaze into my 24″ iMac and ponder over government homework or what I should blog about next.

Never did I ever think I would miss Columbia, and maybe I don’t, I just miss my apartment.  I love my apartment.  It is big, it is clean, it is decorated, it is well equipped from the kitchen to the entertainment.  It has 8 bottles of tasty wine waiting for me.  I just spent $180 buying groceries that are waiting to be eaten.

The floors I just waxed and the new couch and chairs need to be worn in.  I have only slept one night on my new bed!

But all of it is nothing when I keep it to myself.  Happiness is nothing if not shared and with Ryan out of town, I can’t really share so much of it; but he returns Monday and I return Friday.

Well, I guess Micheal will keep the fish company, I miss him too.  And Jeremy, and Max, and Brittany.  And Kaldi’s and Starbucks.

I will have to find a way to keep myself occupied here.  With my closest friend in Houston now in Seoul Korea, I can’t see him when I visit and I miss him so.  We were best friends through high school helping each other out in so many different ways and through all the moves and the distance and the changes in our lives, we are every bit as close as ever.

Except that he’s in Seoul Korea and I’m in Houston, alone.

Wow, I need to get my head straight!  I’m in Houston, I love this city.

Downtown Houston Skyline

Downtown Houston Skyline

Let’s go out in the world, maybe buy something for my camera, maybe eat something totally delicious.  Stop personifying my apartment, no matter how much I love you.

Now if Chase could maybe make another trip down here from Columbia, I’d have a buddy with whom I’d waste time and money and enjoy every second of it.

Zemanta Pixie

It’s My Birth Day

Twenty four years ago today my parents’ lives were changed forever.  They finally had the son they had always wanted.

Well, I guess that had happened about a year earlier but this time they had the son they…  Ok, ok, I was just the summer release sequel of the last year’s hit, Patrick.

I think I was a pretty cute kid, of course I’m partial to thinking so.  I think I was born to be a model, now I don’t dare claim to have grown into being a model, sadly, but I sure had the look.

Here I am pretending that I’m bulimic.  No, not really, but it’s anyone’s guess as to what the hell I was doing with my hand.

It is crazy to me that I have changed so much, but clearly, I have always been gay.  I mean, look at that picture, gay gay gay!

Today however, 24 years after birth, I’m headed home to Houston with my mom.  With Ryan in Tennessee and nothing really happening in Columbia, I figured, why not?  Sadly, I kinda ruined a surprise birthday from Micheal, Jenny and Co.  That sucks, if I had known I would not have purchased my return flight and just hung out in Columbia.  However, we are planning to do something when I get back in town and you are all invited!

As of right now we have about seven more hours of driving.  I’m lucky to only have the task of sitting in the car since I’m not insured on this rental car.

I’m hoping to be able to visit my cousins in Rockport Texas who I have seen once in like four years and will miss not seeing Joseph who now lives in Seoul Korea!  Joseph has always been the highlight of visiting Houston.

Well, that’s really it for now I guess, I need to read my blogroll which I am way behind in doing.  Catch you guys later!

Zemanta Pixie

One More Reason Mizzou Sucks

Has this ever happened before finals?  Do we ever have hot guys and girls running around campus in nothing but their skivvies?  I see now why Joseph went to ASU, good choice my man, good choice.

[flv:ASU_Strip.flv 550 310]

I want to transfer.  Warm weather, clear skies, an Urban Outfitters, real clubs and best of all… half naked students running through campus.  Fierce.

No one has this much fun during finals week.