The Keys to My Heart

Currently: Sarah Brightman – Harem Tour CD – The Secret Still Remains

You know Geoff and I never watched Playing By Heart and that is really sad. I think it would have helped us, I think it could have been a good piece of therapy for us. A movie really moves me. It is complete love.

Today I cried again, first time in a long while. Nevertheless, you know, it was not nearly as bad as the cries I had a few weeks ago. Geoff gave me back my key and asked for his in return, after we exchanged Christmas gifts.

I had already gotten him a good deal of stuff before we broke up, he was the only person I had shopped for. I guess though he just recently started shopping or at least did not shop early enough so that he put a whole lot into my gifts. It is not the dollar amount spent but the meaning behind the gifts and the emotion put into them.

There were very specific reasons for each of the six gifts I gave Geoff.

Shakespeare Action Figure – Geoff has always expressed his love for Shakespeare and so much of his life he has lived through the works of Shakespeare. I remember him telling me about his AP English class and his crazy teacher. He memorized so much of these great works; he could even still recite them to me. I remember sitting next to him in the dorm as he wrote an away message of a soliloquy from Hamlet.

Jesus Action Figure – Geoff always compared himself to Jesus, sometimes in a comical way (mostly) and then sometimes in a dark, almost scary, way. Crucifixion seemed to be something that he really connected with. I choose to look at the action figure as the lighter side of Geoff’s comparison to Jesus. He is hilarious when he talks about his father (God) and how he will take care of things. It always made me smile.

Black Moleskin Book – When Geoff and I first moved into the dorm together, we decided that we should make a book called Window Shopping, which would be the results of our Gay Exploits. It went from that idea to a book where we shared our deepest feelings, intimate things, between only each other. Sometimes things were most easily written rather than spoken. I remember the first time he told me he loved me. He had typed onto a word document in my computer in Spanish. I had taken Latin so translating the greatest words I have ever read, was probably a little easier than he had expected.

Allen Ginsberg Selected Poems – Geoff told me his love for Allen Ginsberg just a few weeks ago at the mall. It was the day I cried, it was his birthday. I wept the entire time I was with him. I know he wanted this book and I knew it would mean a lot to him to have it, or so it seemed how he talked so highly about the poet.

Broken Hearts Club – The last movie we watched together, the movie that made me cry and made me realize how much I loved Geoff right before he broke up with me. This movie perhaps means more to me now than it does to him, as I may be so bold as to suspect with Moulin Rouge‘s Come What May which makes me cry every time I hear/sing it. It is what made me cry tonight ultimately. I worked hard to keep the tears in but you know how that goes. I felt that I was Howie from the movie.

Red Wine – Geoff and I went to a winery together for our fraternity and really had a good time. We drank wine from time to time whenever we wanted a really relaxing and romantic moment. We always drank white wine, this time I brought him a red wine. The red wine was to signal the love I have for him and that I wanted to again share it. I really wanted him to ask me to open the bottle and have a drink with him. I even brought wine glasses (which I left in the car in case what ended up happening happened) and a corkscrew. However, Geoff ushered it to the dresser, he wanted to go to Wal-Mart to get cookies for his roommate…, and there went my chance to share a night with him.

I feel this was the last chance I had. I do not see him every asking me to come back to him. I do not know why I say come back to him; he is the one that left. I really love him and I do not want anyone else.

However, as he told me, I should not continue to wait. Maybe I will try to pursue things with other guys. I have no real choice but to do so, or live a sad life alone. I do like Kevin quite a bit. I wish he would tell me how he felt about me so that I could get the information straight from the horse’s mouth instead of hearing it from a friend of a friend.

Geoff said he has not told x1 how he feels about him and I wonder his feelings toward y2 and me. He is such a puzzle… I remember when we were going to put that puzzle together, why did we not just do it? Damn it for us forgetting why we loved to be with each other.

So I guess I move on now to search for the second love of my life. Will it be easy? No. Will I try as hard as possible? You betcha.

I will never stop loving you, wish I could believe it worked both ways.

God… wish I could go to SoCo tonight. I really want to dance and I really want to dance with Kevin. He is going to be dancing with other guys tonight and having fun with other people and not me. Maybe tomorrow night we can hang out. He is complicated, his problems with q1 and q1’s problems with d2. Oh well.

Love to you all and here is to wishing me a good New Year. I won’t have anyone to kiss, unless Joseph will offer himself to me on New Years. Kissing my best friend from high school should not be too bad… actually it might be quite nice! He is a hottie and such a sweet guy.

Ciao, out babes!

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