Josh Groban – Closer
You Raise Me Up
This spring break started way before march 19th. I met a boy named Darryl. I was giddy as a school girl over him. We pretty much hit it off to a great start and planned a camping trip to Big Bend National Park and then maybe a trip to Las Vegas for my spring break. Would’nt that be fun?
Well, then I went back to Houston to see him a few weeks ago and things went a little too far. I spent every night at his place, helped in move in and even went as far as to pick our sheets and hell, his shower curtain. The second to last night I was there we had a long, almost tear filled, conversation. I expressed to him that I was not ready for a relationship and that the words, “I love you” scared me. They are not words to throw around, when you truly love someone, tell them you love them, but don’t let imagination and the moment get to you.
Twenty four hours later, again spending the night at his place, he tells me he is falling in love with me. Did he not listen to me the night before? The only thing I wanted to do was get out of his apartment, go back home, don’t go back. I really like this guy but I certainly don’t love him. We had agreed that we would ‘play’ boyfriends when we were together but when we were not together, we were friends. This is bascially an open relationship as I know it.
He calls me several days later and tells me he does love me and how he loves that we are boyfriends, etc. That hit me like a brick wall. I had just gotten out of a really rough breakup from a really good relationship that was ruined with bad communication and never wanting to hurt the other person. Ironic that all our attempts to sheild each other from pain just multiplied the pain we felt when we did break it off. I am not sure I will ever really be cured from the pain that the breaking up caused, but I hope Jim will be able to. I love Jim, again I am not in love with Jim. My first boyfriend loves me more than I will ever understand, and I love him, but I can’t see myself with him forever.
I love him to what seems like no end, but something inside me won’t allow it to work. I won’t let myself fall in love with him. I cry when he is sad.
Back to spring break.
So today I called and cancelled the trip. First off I just plain can’t afford it. The total trip would cost me around $600 and I just don’t fell that it is worth that much money.
I was invited a few weeks ago to go with some girls and Geoff to Chicago (hence the title, yes, Wendy not Windy). Problems…
Chicago mean train. They are taking an earlier train than I could take so I have no ride to the train. And honestly I can’t be alone on a train for so long. My heart already is aching so much from being emotionally alone, physical loneliness would be too much.
The trip back would be over seven hours of being alone at a train station and then no ride from St. Louis to Columbia. The idea that my friends would be in Chicago, having fun, enjoying each other’s company but not mine, that would be too much. That is too much.
The only reason I want to go there is because Geoff is going to be there. I see us having so much fun together, exploring the shoppes, the restaurants, the cafe’s, the… But then, what are the chances that would happen?
The girl who is hosting the trip is all of a sudden not friendly with me. She accused me of stealing her Mizzou shot glass (quite randomly) and then upset me, telling me that a shared friend was “royally pissed” at me. Now she says I can go, but there won’t be room in her car for me.
I am not wanted, so I don’t think I will go.
I don’t know how I will live a week alone in Columbia. I need to cry but my screams fall on deaf ears and my eyes are too dry for psychogesis. I want things to get better quickly. All of this crap is bringing me down mentally, emotionally and academically. I have gotten to the point that I just don’t even care. What happens, happens. I want to escape however it happens, I want it to happen.
Life can’t be more confusing than it is now. You have one emotion this way, one feeling following it close by, and then the tides change. You just know that good news is about to come your eay, but then you are afraid to get it. The time before “a chit chat at MSU” turns into one of the most feared moments in my life. What is he going to say? What have I done? Why can’t I make him happy anymore? Why can’t I make myself happy?
My head is telling me to not worry but I can’t help it. I worry about everything. I don’t want to spend my spring break alone but I don’t want to be “that guy”. I just don’t know what to do. My posts are obviously, and unpredictably, random.
I smell Earl Grey tea with honey, it is soothing. That is what I want right now, something soothing. I will go now, run to the room and then run back to Memorial Union because if I am not busy, I am wasting time. The fear of productivity and the fear of unproductivity are fighting right now, damn them.
p.s., Wendy because I am a lost boy.