That song has a lot of meaning to me. It is the song for my future. Howie Day sings to me, I put on my headphones, the world around me is blocked out and it is just the thumping beats of the bass and the soft strumming of the guitar strings. My eyes close and images start focusing.
Tears fall as my eye lids close into each other. I not only hear but also see the beats thumping as my tears fall into my cup of tea which sits on a saucer next to crumbs of a once great, buttery scone. My body rocks to the beats and sadness overcomes me. I have become addicted to this feeling. Addicted to feeling worthless and unwanted. I don’t like it but I somehow find comfort in the reliability that I will forever be emotionally alone in the world. I will have friends, I might even be lucky enough to sucker someone into dating me, but emotionally I am dead, no prince in sight to breath life into my heart.
It is a cool morning and we are sitting on the back porch again. Rocking away in the swing, a blanket keeps the chill off our skin as we do our part to keep each other warm. He lifts his guitar from the floor and tells me he has a song he wrote for me. He starts to sing the song; the sun is just peaking over the mountains and orchard casting streaks of bright orange and green into the sky. I rest my head onto his shoulder and begin to tear up. My hands are shaky and my heart is pounding. I can hear no less feel his heart pounding asynchronous to mine until our heart beats line up. The song ends and he tells me for the first time just how much he loves me, how beautiful our future is together and how he will never let me go.
It is so interesting to me how I can feel two completely different things from the same song. What does it mean? Do I really have a choice? Can I make the latter story be my story or is it all in the stars? Does anyone really get to choose their life or do we live into a life like a fish grows and adapts to its surroundings, having no control of the size or shape of its aquarium?
The song has played four times since I started this post and I am in no mood to stop it from repeating, again and again.