I want to just say that I would like to go back a few months and start things over. I hate that when people get mad or upset with someone, they start to say things that maybe they mean but they should not say them at that time. I was telling Geoff yesterday that in his next relationship, he should be totally honest about his feelings because things I thought he liked turned out to tbe the things he did not like.
So while my post the other day was true, in my eyes, and was private, as only Geoff and I can read it (unless he has shared the address), it was only me trying to get some feelings out. I can’t just see him, well right now obviously, and tell him this stuff because I know I will start crying. I started crying on the phone when he laughed at me. I hate crying because it makes my mind wander and it is just so messy!
I had a dream where I acted a fool and apologized to Geoff at a club. I grabbed him and he held me tightly not letting me go and I told him that I was sorry and I cried some more, and then some more…
It ended up that he was with another guy, but he wanted to be with me. I know that is not the case anymore, him wanting to be with me, but still…
So I am sorry Geoff. I am acting stupid right now. It is hard for me to live with every moment seeming to be second best (at best) to even the worst moments with you. I really need to hold you right now. I want to be held. I want you to kiss away my tears and tell me it will be alright.
I wrote how I really felt, I did not mean it to make you so upset or for it to sound really mean… Maybe I should re-read it because I certainly never meant it to be like that.
I can’t stop my love for you. I am sorry for everything.