Mom & Mommom

Today was an interesting one…

I hate it when people say things like that, “it was an interesting one”. I do not know why it bothers me so much for people to use a pronoun in situations as that, nevertheless it does.

The new journal look is done to match my bedroom and I believe I did that quite well! Thanks Alex!

My mother and grandmother came into town today. They came to talk to me about my life and my troubles.

It is so refreshing talking opening about Geoff and Acacia and Jim and Landon and even Matt to a point. We sat at Addisson’s for a few hours, we ate, we drank, we laughed and we even cried. The crying started when I explained my reasons for being in Acacia and when I started talking about my brother, who I love more than most anything else.

It was wonderful, us all wiping away our tears and helping each other up over Pinot Noir

more important matters, i have to run

OK, and hour later and I am back, he is on the phone – – –

I told my mother and grandmother all about what has been happening in my life, the good and the bad. They listened as I talked about how wonderful life was with Geoff and they listened as I explained life without Geoff. We made some decisions about Geoff, about Mizzou, about Acacia and about my life; current, past and future.

A plan was devised. I don’t want to go into full detail but the long of the short of it was that I need to get away from this place and some of the people here. In particular one of the people here. I grew a lot here in Columbia but right now I stand at a crossroad and when you stand, you don’t get very far.

I need a new scene, a new adventure and a new life. We discussed how to do that and we decided that me moving, alone, to Sonoma Valley, Santa Rosa in particular, could be the very best thing.

Look at Santa Rosa, how could you not love it? My grandmother has a house there that they are currently fixing up that would be perfect for me to live in. There are small colleges around there where I could take some classes and the Russian River to wash away all of my pain.

My childhood summers were spent here, nearly every year for nearly 15 years found me splashing around the Russian River, picking apples and plums in our orchard and exploring the red wood forests and the plethora of wineries.

I have family fifty miles away in San Francisco and two hours away I have old friends in Sacramento so I would not be totally alone.

The landscape is inspiring and the air is refreshing. There are about 150,000 people in Santa Rosa alone and many other towns nearby to provide me with a variety of friends and experiences.

How could you not love it?

I cried thinking about leaving Jenny, Jim and Landon amoung several others. They are so important to me here, my three greatest pillars. However, I think this is the best thing for me right now.

Of course, it has not been settled yet. Today, in nine hours or so, we are meeting with my psychiatrist to discuss this possibility to get her advice. If she gives the go-ahead it is more or less settled. If she is against it, we will think things through some more. I could be out of here in a month, I could be free again. Or I could be here another three years… It is all up in the air right now but how the wind is blowing, I will be much further west in the not-so-distant future.

Do not mistake this with me running away from my problems. My problems are far to great to every run away from. Geoff is a huge part of my problem, however, he lives so deeply in my heart, death is the only way to run away from him. This would, however, allow me to look at my situation from a different perspective and gather new ideas. Sometimes a fresh start is all you need.

I am scared and excited about this new option. Time to get back to my guest.

Much love


2 thoughts on “Mom & Mommom

  1. I know that this is best for you Justin, but you don’t know how much it is making me sad. I can’t stop crying to the fact that I might never get to see you again and how we can’t spend more than a week away from eachother without being sad. I hope you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I can’t think of anyone that could replace you in my life right now but I know that this could be the best thing for you. It is a good thing that Santa Rosa is not that far from San Francisco so at least I could see you if I go visit my brother. Is it bad that I am dreading the decision that will arise today? Again you have my full support in whatever you decide to do but it is just really hard to imagine not living with you…….

  2. That’s very, very courageous. I salute you. How often I’ve wanted to leave and create myself anew (and California is wonderful; if I could live anywhere it would probably be there). That is how I think of it: not escaping. But a rebirth. An old part of you will die and that will hurt terribly. But a new part is born. Again, I wish I had your courage – to change so many things.

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