I am sitting in bed right now, no way I can go to my classes today. I am far too dizzy to even walk, it is awful. I am guessing that the vertigo has something to do with my equilibriumbeing off with all of the sinus problems. My lungs are not as filled today as they were yesterday, guess the medicines are working.
But what do I wish for right now? Well I came to a conclusion this morning, like just moments ago, about Geoff and I. First off, the wish is that Geoff would come over to my apartment, come into my room and sit and talk to me for a while. Keep me company and make me smile, he seems to be able to do that when few others can.
What I realized is that I feel we are both playing a game. I am playing a part that I don’t want. I don’t want to be helplessly, hopelessly in love with someone and he is playing the part of the guy who I am in love with.
Now I won’t say that I am not in love with him, because I am. But, I think that if we could have a talk where I explain everything that is going my mind… I think we could be good friends again. I think that this is a psychological game that we play and it needs to end.
This is not to say that I want to hang out with him and his boyfriend, that still would hurt. But, going out and doing errands or whatever is fun and fine. One of the reasons I don’t want to hang out with him is because he has a boyfriend and I certainly did not like it when he…. well we will leave that out. Nothing serious dear readers of my journal. Basically I don’t want to cause problems with his current. I am sure he has told him howawful, how psycho I am, probably leaving out all of the important details like I was the one who “made me be able to love again” and the one that he was at one point planning a life with.
As long as people know both sides of the story, the truth, I am fine. I am not going to be the guy that is made fun of, the guy you compare to people who are, in your eyes, pathetic. I am a human being, I loved and lost it. I hurt, I have to rebuild. You have never been what I am going through and the comparison you are going to make will not fit the situation.
We need a talk and we need it soon. The sooner we get shit out of the way, the sooner we can try to be the best friends we were before I gave my heart to you.
p.s. can I have it back?