So today sucked. Bottom line, sucked. Antithesis to this picture
It was not pretty, it was not vibrantly colored, it was not blooming, it was not sunshine.
After last nights tumultuous ups and downs, and waking up the same way I had not planned to fall asleep (on the couch…), I played stupid and read Geoff’s journal again. He wrote, again, about me. I was pushed even further down.
Then I see Jim and “John Doe” kissing in my bed and get further upset. It is all great and whatever that Jim is kissing someone, what upsets me is that while everyone things all of my friends are so great and want to date them, or hell, even drunk makeout with them, no one seems to ever want to date me or kiss me or even drunk makeout with me, especially guys.
It kills me that all people can say is that I have “a good face”. I like to be told things like that, I like that people think I am this really great person, strong loving heart, kind, generous, knowledgeable, etc… etc… However, it is nice to know that these positive items are good enough that people are attracted to you, emotionally and physically.
People seem to hate it when I complain about how unattractive I am, but let’s be honest. Jim and Dave, two of my closest friends, can find countless people at parties that want to makeout with them, what’s more? The next day that person likely wants to go out, even just to eat at a dining hall. This proves that it was not just drunkeness, people are attractive to them.
What’s more, again… I have already said this in an older post but Dave and Jim are both “deeper” than I. I feel like there is so much complexity to Dave. His intelligence is vast and intense. I can ask him just about anything and he will know the answer. He apparently can read 800 paged books in a single day. That is incredible, to me. Jim is annoyingly intelligent, things just seem to stick with him, plus there is his ability to put what is in his mind onto canvas and paper.
Meanwhile we have Justin who has this personality people enjoy but not the mind or body of Jim and Dave.
Now, I am not dumb, I did well on the ACT and SAT, not amazing at all, but “well”. I am smart, but I just cannot compare with Dave.
All of this thinking, got me to thinking… And the thinking got me to being suicidal. I really hate to write that, but it is true. I was just waiting for something to happen, a gun shot, a stabbing, a car wreck, an overdose… I was desperate. I took some trazadone to make me pass out so that I would not do anything. How fucking depressing is that? I take medicine to knock me out so that I don’t hurt myself.
It had been a moderately long time since I felt that way. The combination of what seems to be a deterioration of our (between Dave and I) friendship, then my “things” with Jim (and these previously mentioned events), topped off with Geoff (and his constant bullshit to me); it just put me over the edge.
I go to my psychiatrist Tuesday, thank God. I love Dr. Bagby, Dr. Rossy and Amanda (their secretary). I can’t help but be brightened simply by seeing them, especially Amanda’s welcoming smile and kind eyes (plus her fabulous hair).
Let’s add onto the stress… I have to get a three part surgery done pretty soon after I move to California. Not looking forward to that. Then my withdraw worked out just fine, except I have to fill out an assload of more paperwork and I have one day to really do it. I have no money. Landon ignored me during our time together tonight, he spent it on his computer working on a project for AIESEC.
I just feel worthless. Jim rubbed my back and cuddled with me for a little tiny bit, it was truly the highlight of my day. The second highlight was reading some things to Jenny and Meghan.
I always feel weird about certain things. I know that one of them is my top tier love I have for some people and how it damages me so much. Some of you probably know what I am talking about.