I have realized the greatest regret of my life and I don’t know what to do with this feeling. It is overwhelming me.
So I am waiting for Landon to get outta the shower and call me to help me with my homework, meanwhile I will explain.
Stetson has informed me of the downlow in Bellville. Basically everyone I dreamed of… gay.
What the hell?! I went through so much shit at Bellville High School and Junior High, i was called gay by Jim Jones when I was in THIRD GRADE! I won’t elaborate on him…
I just don’t get it. Why was I the last to know? How would my life be different had I come out when I really wanted to? Can you even imagine? Things would be so different, things would be better, I am sure. I am mostly pissed right now, pissed off that I ever held back. I have never regretted when I came out until today when I got the message from Stetson. By God!
I would have done more theatre, I would have stayed in the choir, I would have had more guy friends (yeah, I actually would have had more guy friends) and people would not have been so mean to me since the ones that I feared the most were, gay. They sure hid it well, lemme tell you. Some better than others.
Landon talked me through this a few minutes ago. Because I did’nt do what Stetson did, I know what he must wonder at times, though honestly I doubt he ever does. What would it have been like to not be out at all?. Personally, had I been out earlier, my eating disorder would have been way worse than the pitiful excuse for anorexia I had when I did come out in college. yeah I lost 35lbs in a month, it, the anorexia, did not last for very much longer. I fall back into from time to time, recently I have just not had the time or the money (in my mind) for food, to eat.
Tonight I went to work to check on the closing. I was told that I had lost weight, apparently I looked significantly thinner. I ate a bowl of cereal tonight, skim milk, whole grain cheerios. I thought how gross it was that right after somone told me I had lost weight, I ate. There goes that lost weight, at least to me.
I am not anorexic by any means. I eat when I can, I am just careful with what I eat. Besides my occassional blip at Starbucks, I stick to whole foods, no junk food (candy, fats, overly processed meats, etc) and lots of fruit. I try to get at least a days worth of fiber, of course I have not been eating recently enough to get an hours worth of anything but whatever. I was so hungry today that I thought I was going to faint during Statistics (which I should be doing but I have no idea how to do my last three problems, Landon hurry outta your shower! teehee) and last night on the way to the club I felt like a flake.
Anyways, I am going to get off of this topic. It is not going anywhere good.
Seth has 26 minutes to call me before he has missed the expiration… promised to call me today. Not all that surprised that I have not gotten the call but I won’t hold it against him.
Closing this depressing post, not depressing just… angst ridden.