So a few friends and I went storm chasing tonight. It was a completely beautiful night, clear skies and brisk breeze. We were just about to head out of my apartment to gaze at the stars in a park when we heard this terrible crack of thunder.
The rain began to pound against the concrete courtyard of my complex, scattering formerly dried leaves, now drenched an too heavy to be picked up by the wind, the heavy drops pounded them into the ground. Flashes lit up the living room, the light racing through the curtains cast a crimson glow onto the walls and our faces.
We decided to not let this experience pass us up. There is such beauty in chaos. This storm played its story to me of love. I have always looked at love as pure and easily understood. As complicated as it was, crawl down into the root of all your problems and the solution seems to always be, love.
It was not until an enlightening conversation I had today with a good friend that I realized the extent of this message.
There are essentially four elements of emotion. Love, Hate, Happiness, Sadness. Each of these emotions are as addicted as the other. When you fall into a fashion of one of these, finding your way out is difficult. Sometimes you don’t even realize that finding your way out of the positive emotions, Love, Happiness, is necessary. I know that I am in love with Geoffrey. I know that he does not feel that way towards me so why should I allow myself to be addicted to the love we used to share? I am now allowed three choices.
Do I choose to hate him, to hate the very man I live my life for? This would ruin any chance of a friendship and remove even the most remote possibility of love again with him. I choose not this one.
Do I choose sadness? You only will begin to look pitiful after going into this phase. The mind is a powerful tool, your best friend and your worst enemy. Treat this tool, this weapon, as if it were in the hands of your greatest enemy, or greatest love, do not allow it to blind you but use its guidance out of depression and into light.
I choose happiness. I am in love with Geoffrey, I want to have children with him, I want to smell his laundry with mine as I fold our warm, Downy fresh clothes. Look to the positive, find the good, forget the bad. Expect to get back, never, hope to get back, always. I know that I cannot stand here and wait for him. He does not want me and just allowing myself to become some old maid is not the way it should be.
I choose happiness because I am left without love.
What do you do to forget your problems with love? You often get sad and how do you escape the sadness, you hurt yourself, you cause physical pain. Some do this by cutting themselves, others do this by taking pills, others by not eating and still others by doing all of these things. For the moment, as the amber-glowing metal is sizzling against your bubbling skin, you forget the sadness.
After the depression, the sadness, you move to madness. You are angry, you do not deserve the treatment received to you. To forget this anger, you hurt other people. You can do this most easily physically and emotionally. Playing with emotions can be dangerous. If not careful, and most likely if this route is taken as so often it is, falling back into the sadness is quite easy. Perhaps the first time you fail at this you will find yourself back into your deep depression.
Finally is happiness, the most fragile and synchronously one of the greatest emotions. Happiness is one step closer to love, and it is a big step. I must make that step and tonight I think has helped.
It seemed my past was above me as I drove the car down I-70 and onto 63 towards Jefferson City. My tears were crashing down on me, impeding my ability to see the road, the white lines flattened into the black of the asphalt which seemed to reach the sky. Nary a star in the sky, our headlights became our only guide down the dirt roads and gravel drives through the no-mans’ land of middle Missouri.
Perched on the top of a hill we gathered together and gazed through the front windshield. It felt as if we were waiting for the film to begin at a drive-in. The show did not disappoint. Crashing thunder unlike anything a theater could reproduce, flashing strobes of electric fireworks blasted before our ears and eyes…
It was perfection. It was complete chaos, completely organized, chaos. It was pure. It was ours tonight.