In six hours Andrea’s viewing will begin, in twenty-six hours hours her funeral will commence.


I am watching the movie Troy and would be reading if I could actually see my book clearly. Thankfully I can touch-type, so please excuse spelling errors as the screen is not nearly clear.

My stomach is aching and my head is spinning. I wish I had someone to hold my hand. I hate being ill and once I get sick I go downhill pretty quickly. I am very nervous that I am going to spiral down as I did just fourteen months ago.

I wonder if I did get really ill again, who would visit me? Hmmm… Oh well. I remember when I was in the hospital in houston for three days who called me. It was’nt my boyfriend and it was’nt my best friend. Of course my boyfriend had really high roaming fees, so nothing agianst him. I am not even sure if I worried him about me being there… However, my best friend did know of my condition and I don’t remember a call.

I despise…

my body. It need to become smaller and quickly. Once I get back in gear, i.e. no more pneumonia and such, I am going back to the training program I was on. I hate that I have not been working out… I want people to want to be with me and if they meet me and get to know me, those “worthy” (not all about having sex but for my mind and heart) can have me. The problem is that so many people base things on looks first and while I am not ugly or obese or have bad skin or anything like that… if I lost weight, gained muscle, I think people would look at me differently.

I feel that is one reason Geoff lost interest. Though I was actually getting a lot better in the last few months of our relationship. I was workign out and having more energy and becoming happier with my body. I guess it was just not fast enough. He spoke of one of his new guys, not sure if it is the guy he is dating now, but he only talked about his physical attributes, nothing of his mind or heart.

Well I doubt he is vain enough to judge me on that but… well I am vain enough to judge myself. Never other but always myself.

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