When was I last happy for an extended period of time? It has been a really long time. I can tell you when it was though. It was when I was unhealthy.
I was not eating. I was working out everyday. I was losing pounds everyday. I lost thirty-five pounds in a month. That is a lot of weight. I was finally starting to love myself when my mother threatened to put me in a hospital.
More to that.
I wanted to be put into a hospital for a long time. Not for an eating disorder, which I obviously did not have then because I was overweight but not obese, but because I was suicidal and am still today at times. Last week I tried for a few hours, riding my bike against traffic at night time with no lights. I was not actively trying to hurt myself but I was not making it very easy to live.
Somehow I managed to not get hit by any cars. Otherwise I might not be typing this. Good or bad?
Right now I am listening to Moulin Rouge and loving it. It reminds me of so much, it allows me to really get into myself and examine my feelings. It makes me so sad at the same time. It seems that all I want is so close but impossible to get. I try so hard to be the best friend I can to everyone I befriend, but I can never make it really work. I am an “asshole” but I mean everything in jest. If I poke fun of you, it means I like you. You will know if I don’t like you or am being just mean because you will see the fire in my eyes. There is fire.
But how to go beyond being just a friend without losing the friend? Recently these kinds of relationships have not worked out for me. Ok, let’s be fair. I have done this a few times and it has only not worked twice so chances are that it works most every time.
But I am scared to death, what if it does not work? What if I can’t make something more from a relationship? Why do I look for other guys constantly when the one I want is not the one I am actively going for. Sitting in Pershing last night I flirted with three guys and wished for the other two. Do I see myself with them longer than a week? No, not really. So why do I want them?
I can tell you why. Because I am not happy with who I am. The closest thing to being them is to be with them. I want to be cute, hot, beautiful. I want people to ooh and awe over me. Right now it is eww and ahh. Not the reaction I want.
So what does it seem I will have to do to rectify this? It makes me want to starve myself again. Today I ate once. It feels great to have an empty stomach. I feel thinner because I am thinner. I want to have that feeling forever. I ate once yesterday. Tomorrow I don’t plan on eating at all. I realize this could hurt me, but it could not hurt me any more than riding my bicycle into a pickup truck now can it?
This is psychotic disorder Justin now. I would rather be on my death bed surrounded by friends than sitting alone in my room with no one, than spending another night feeling unloved. People realize how they love someone when they are threated with not having that person again. I want people to realize me, to know me, to love me. I want the same from me. Realize yourself Justin. Know yourself Justin. And love yourself Justin.
Why can’t I do this?
I take medicine everyday to make me happy. It does not work.
I have wonderful friends that show they care for me. They are not enough.
I often wonder what is the big plan for me. Why does all this crap happen to me? I am God’s walking joke.
It is time I get something out of all the crap life has thrown at me. I deserve to be beautiful looking, I deserve to be loved, I deserve to love, I deserve so much more than I have been given.
I hate to complain about my life. There are so many worse off than I am. I envy them, those who are worse off and deny it, they don’t allow it to get to them. They live through their lives unaffected. Where is my shield?
Want me, love me, take me away.